INTERVIEWER: where do you see yourself in 5 years? ME: well, I suppose that depends on whether or not the water wars have started yet

The homie who goes ornament mode whenever someone enters the house

found a tiny idiot rolling around in dog hair. go be wet.

For a person so fixated on playing out conversations before I have them, I am remarkably incompetent at the task once I do 🙏 bless

Keepin the engineers on their toes selling things the company doesn’t even offer

Nothing says “don’t worry, this public bathroom is sanitary” like a dim red light

Isekai as a genre is exploding in popularity because it appeals to a universal desire to get hit by a truck rather than live in the 21st century.

For a small fee I can roam around your home mouth agape gently harvesting the dust particles that float around each room

washington dc is short for washington da city

No more bios. When you go to someone’s profile, you should see three blurbs: one from their friend, one from their foe, and one from an impartial judge of character that we will elect (and “dispose of”) every six weeks.

why are you casting that particular shadow shape

bought candy at the pool for a 13yo and she tried to give me cash. i was like nahh it's nbd, and she goes "girl i have seen your car." 13yo girls remain undefeated. you think you're talking to a child but you're actually talking to whatever gods used to send to punish mortals for their hubris

Ahh, 9:15 a.m. Friday. The traditional end to the work week

she did great

Kids: 1 KIDS Act: 0

Hmm, no thanks!

ok I was supposed to do this tomorrow at noon (and I will be posting a couple more items tomorrow morning) but I am so excited and can’t wait any longer. I’ve been hard at work making 50 new things — ceramics & paintings— and they are readdyyy. Come n get your hot, fresh art at MaddieMadrigal.com

born to be the ideas man but forced to do laundry

Imagining myself, living a life I claim to be wonderful, while visiting Olive Garden every 2.6 weeks.

asking the sommelier for something very dry and getting furious when it comes out wet

How’s house hunting going? Glad you asked. It feels like someone gave a squirrel a gun

don’t know the lyrics, just want to make the noises

Triple threat, babyyy (scared, tired, hungry)

Mr. Gorbachev, turn down for what

They cut out the part of me that dreams. It was a little man. I was deaf to his screams and they took him away from me

I didnt buy chips or candy at the grocery store bc im tryin to keep the weight i lost off but then I ate an edible and if I could go back and talk to my past self I would kill that son of a bitch. Id cut his fucking throat

say what you will about AI, always-on voice recording and auto dictation has been a game changer for my workflows. Save post and close app. Yeah Footlong meatball sub on white. No veggies. Don't toast it. Ranch and barbecue sauce. Yeah, ranch and bargecue sauce. More. More. Little more please

I’m doing the best I can, and also the worst I can get away with

Since getting security cameras, my bf texts me a variation of this daily: