The Zillow app really needs to allow the public to comment on these house listings to give sellers a much-needed reality check
We’re going to have to develop an etiquette around tactfully telling someone the thing they enjoyed was actually created by AI. (If it is someone whose feelings you actually care about)
As someone who makes a concerted effort to not constantly be in the way, it amazes me how many people make NO effort at all.
Me: (Daughter’s name), what are you doing? Her(Entomologist Dr. Kevorkian): Helping some bugs die
I don’t meditate, but this one time I didn’t look at my phone for ten minutes
Trump’s teleprompter guy placing bets on Kalshi was the most predictable thing of all time. I wonder what odds Kalshi was giving for that bet.
I don’t care how old I get I’m never going to be as old as old people
People at work keep trying to loop me in but I’m too quick
Two neighborhood kids just came to the door to announce they had a 3D printing business, and asked if I needed anything printed.
Do not go gentle into that good night
I don’t know what it says about me, but my reaction to seeing an add for Nutella Peanut was “Oooh, let’s give more people an allergic reaction, great thinking.”
The other day I forgot the important rule: If no one else can smell the dog poop, that means YOU stepped in it.
I was thinking out loud about whether to mow the lawn, and whether there was enough time before I had to give my daughter a bath, so I said “maybe I will just mow the front”. My wife replied: “a mullet!”
People who wipe down exercise equipment at the gym before instead of after using them are exhibiting peak antisocial behavior
There is ONE thing I am looking forward to this heatwave: Pictures of paschal candles that have melted in churches. Here's an example from a few years ago. It's my favourite phenomenon. Because, well... Look at it.
You know you are type B parents when your daughter asks that for her birthday you make your bed.
There was this thick plastic cup in the upstairs bathroom of my parents’ house, and nothing will ever be as refreshing as a midnight drink from the faucet in that ugly cup.
before the pitch clock every baseball game was 10 hours long and people regularly died of hot dog poisoning during games
So, there’s a Chick Fil A add with a spelling Bee joke about their weird spelling of “Eat Mor Chikin” and for some reason “eat” is the word they can’t figure out how to pronounce based on the spelling. Incredibly dumb.
Me: You have the face of an angle. Her: Don’t you mean angel? Me: No. You’re such acutey pie!
My daughter’s version goes like “eenie meenie minie moe, look for a finger, catch a toe”. Honestly I prefer it.
Anyone else get a little thrill when you correctly predict the species before David Attenborough says it?
people acting like they have better things to do in the middle of the night other than read my skeets. the nerve
My daughter's best friend slept over, and my wife told the girls (both 4 years old) that whoever fell asleep first would get a freeze pop. Have no fear, Bluesky, I won.
When did I become the kind of person with unexplained bruises?
Beyonce: If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. Sauron: Right? That's all I have been saying all along.
No offense but why would you decide to go big if the other option is to go home