If Lady Gaga joined the Goo Goo Dolls they’d be the Goo Goo Gaga’s
if rock, paper and scissors teamed up they would be unstoppable
got my lab results back and turns out i’m deficient in vitamin d and will to live
Trying to teach this spiral ham to go down the stairs like a slinky
Pearl Jam puns? It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than that.
i used to ponder the thought “what if arrangements were edible” and then like a bolt of fucking lightning
everywhere i go people my age are getting old and it’s killing the vibe
The noise you make when you get into the bath is just demons fleeing your body
it’s like, i want the country road to take me home and i’d love to be in a place where i belong, but is that really west virginia?
“yeah but at what cost” —me anytime someone says something positive
me: don’t mind me, I’m just taking a gander petting zoo employee: please put the goose down
Well, we may have lost but at least we look like we cheated
me waiting patiently to tell the flight attendant which little snack I want
we hold these truths to be self evident, that brown sugar cinnamon is the best pop tart
KID: hey mister can i pet your dog? ME: sure kid KID: what kind is he? ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt
250 years since Will Smith killed all them aliens
