My precious child, when you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, that's when the giant eagle picked me up and carried me away. You must hunt down this bird and avenge me.

I just met you and this is crazy but I’m selling shoes that were for a baby

Well it's taken me 8 months but I've finally completed my Free 2 Week Time and Money Management Course. I'm extremely proud to say my final quiz results will be made available once I've entered my credit card details.

oh you're hanging out with friends again?? ok well.. enjoy your echo chamber. i will be out with my enemies having a productive and intellectually enriching night of angrily stating and restating our standpoints on today's most important issues

The prices are going up because groceries are getting better

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

there's so much bad in the world but there's also people who lift up and carry an elderly bat around every day so he can pretend he's flying again, and that's the part of the world I think is worth fighting for

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

Damn, girl. You must be a Blu-ray copy of “Babe: Pig in the City” because I can’t take my eyes off your special features.

Thanks to technology, bananas are becoming obsolete as pretend phones. The future belongs to the Pop-Tart.

The person next to me on the train is staring at my phone screen so let me take this opportunity to say “Strip Law is a very good show” to two audiences simultaneously.

What a time to be alive (derogatory)

You know that little voice in your head that says "You're not good at anything”? That's you. So you ARE good. At hurtful ventriloquism.

Just had a free app tell me I need to give them money so they can keep it free. Makes sense. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to buy a few free tacos for lunch. You know. To keep them free.

while you were studying the blade, I was also studying the blade. we have the same blade exam and I want to do well.

its amazing how chatgpt knows everything about subjects I know nothing about, but is wrong like 40% of the time in things im an expert on. not going to think about this any further

Allow me to make this purchase decision easier for you.

Jes the human 🔜 LFG Con@jesthehuman.itch.io · 6mo ago

The No ICE in Minnesota Charity Bundle has officially LAUNCHED! There are 1,439 games to discover for a $10+ donation to Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota! Purchase the bundle here: itch.io/b/3484/no-ic...

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee's Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you.

Let’s be honest: in many of these winter Olympic “sports”, the snow is doing most of the work. An unexpected thaw would expose these so-called athletes for the frauds they are

Pouring your blood sweat and tears into your work? Dude. No. That’s important stuff. It is supposed to be inside you. That’s your stuff.

As a society, we do not spend enough time talking about the 1978 homemade Star Wars parody, Hardware Wars

Hardware Wars (1978)

YouTube video by Slaughter Player

youtu.be

idea i had

I carry a great big Karate Tournament Runner-Up trophy with me everywhere I go. The trophy itself deters most regular gangs from attacking me, while the lowly status of the trophy ensures that karate gangs would gain no honour from defeating me.

I was really hoping going back to school would involve pranking the Dean and keg stands but so far it’s just dying inside as everyone turns in blatantly obvious ChatGPT output for our group assignments.

I recommend this book to anyone who owns a Lakhovsky Multiple Wave Oscillator

Merry Christmas! So glad you remembered to do that small important task at work before the break. You DID do it, right? Oh god are you sure?

been going down this waterslide for over an hour now and i'm starting to get worried

cowboy who stubbed his toe: