one time when i was in high school my wood shop teacher told me that if you played stairway to heaven backwards you can hear his ex-wife buying her new husband a jet ski with her alimony payments.

one time i drank so much mountain dew that i passed out on the floor of a 7-eleven & when i woke up i was in a coast guard helicopter being flown to another 7-eleven.

Bomb pops are the superior popsicle. I will not entertain any dissent.

Me: *does the robot* Interviewer: I meant skills related to the job.

i begin every résumé with ‘i need friday off.’

me, giving a speech at my friend’s wedding: please don’t let my joyless existence have a negative effect on this special occasion. it’s not about me, it’s about you two. nothing’s a mistake if nothing matters, right?

the lunatic: four score & quite some time ago a woman found me wandering around in a 7-eleven with 25 cents in my pocket & zero direction in life. so, she bought me a slurpee & some nachos & the next thing i knew we were married & suddenly

I could live in an abandoned car wash.

A lot of references to fuchsia in my manifesto.

me: my band, kyle reese & the sarah connors, is playing a show in front of the slurpee machine at 7-eleven tonight. you should stop by. the cop who’s shoving me in the back of a squad car: can i bring a friend?

Stop calling me an amateur. I've been doing this for decades. I'm incompetent.

eating alone in a restaurant, i look over & see a couple on a date, both looking down at their phones. a single tear rolls down my cheek as i whisper to myself, “i’m rooting for them.”

one time my dad caught a coyote in his yard & instead of releasing it back into the wild he took it to sears where they gave him 300 dollars in store credit.

[walking home from a date] ME: well this is me DATE: how about i come in for a nightcap ME: do you have a warrant DATE: what ME: i know my rights linda

the average american streams eight spider-man movies in their sleep each year

Taking a leave of absence from work to practice Tai chi and search for my birth mother

God I’m so sick of perfect, beautiful people. Glad you guys are here

Gemini: Stop saying it’s Mercurian retrograde and go to the doctor.

Sagittarius: Pack a light suitcase and make sure your gas tank is full. Your chances of being run out of town by an angry mob this week are quite high.

Taurus: Today is the day you finally come to terms with the fact that you have never eaten, and will never eat, a really good pear.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a consultation with an elvis impersonator.

Thinking it might be nice to give someone a greeting card that doesn't express any particular sentiment. "Indifferent regards to you on this unremarkable occasion". On the card could be a picture of a log or a toaster

Throwing myself off the roof for good luck.

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic? Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party. Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

me: i wrote a poem called the odyssey once & it was about me trying to get out of a trader joe’s parking lot at lunchtime. the priest giving me communion: have you tried being an atheist?

ME: we’re cooked MY WIFE: that’s not what that means ME: *setting meatloaf on the table* cooked

There’s a guy at the farmers market who will read your tomato’s aura for a quarter

Revenge is best served at the Red Robin in Temecula.

I feel like if I get the right robe success will find me.

some kid at the grocery store muttered something about me being old so i scooted in front of him at the cashier with my chequebook out