maybe women would give more fucks if they had pockets to keep them in
Waxing my chin in case my blind date is shorter than me
911 Operator: can you tell me why you shot him ma’am? Me: he took my last piece of cheese
When that crisp morning air hits my face, I knew I should have stayed in bed.
if you love something set it free if it comes back, it’s probably one of your kids
can you guys get off the internet im expecting a phone call
Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology! Me: Are there any jays? Host: No sorry Me: I'd like to buy an owl
"I'm sorry. It's not me, it's you" *pushes you off a cliff*
Live, laugh, lob a grenade into my bedroom.
I almost wish I was crazy enough that I didn’t realize how crazy I was, y’know?
Look for me in the apocalypse, I'll be the sun-beaten crone wielding a machete with a chihuahua strapped to my back.
professor x: what’s your superpower me: I can solve any equation professor 42: impressive
We’re all just a bunch of broken Doritos at the bottom of the bag.
The first thing I ask when I get invited anywhere, is why?
You're approximate wait time is one hour thirty-six minutes, funk soul brother.
I’m not a doctor but I think eating cheese would make me feel better