an endearing character trait of mine is distraughtness

Choosing the wrong late night snack could ruin your next day

I wish I could shazam a smell

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

I’ll bet the primordial soup had lentils in it.

“Son of A Preacher Man” is a good soundtrack for life. Driving along a lonesome highway? Son of a preacher man. Eating a wheel of cheese? Son of a preacher man. Having sex with a guy named Billy Ray? Son of a motherfucking preacher man

Woke up feeling pretty good. Let’s see how long before it’s ruined.

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

Son: how’d you get your shoulders so big? Me: years and years of shrugging

if you have to name an app truth it probably is the opposite of truth

Welcome to Deeks world Everything has sexual innuendo and snacks are served often

Nice try, clothes that say “hand wash only”. Nice try.

tell me you'll love me forever even if it's not true

I don’t chase people. I quietly assume they don’t like me and then disappear

I dissolved all my braincells with drugs and artificial sweeteners NOW WHAT

Dentist. This is always a strange experience. They know they need to tell me soothing words like a pony or it’s all going sideways.

say hi to my drippy monarch

I can't believe I spent my childhood riding around on an acoustic bike.

I’m pretty sure some of you are actually insane.

merriamwebster.threadless.com/designs/your...

me: i found 2 dead ants in my house so i scooped them up & put ‘em in the toilet to flush them but they seemed to come back to life before i flushed & now all i can think about is an army of reanimated ants in the sewer system coming to get me my gynecologist: what

As an "Extremely Busy Person" I don't so much "go to sleep", I "pass out".

cat: ok, we’re getting out of here, I’ve got an escape plan baby: ok, I’ll tell the dog cat: no! don’t tell the dog, he’s a snitch

taste the motherfucking rainbow

the older i get the more i know i dont know

the smell of that first pot of coffee in the morning tho

This day in history. 529. Feast day of Sithney, patron saint of mad dogs and the National Rifle Association.

member all the stuff we used to have to plug in