i wouldn't date a guy who doesn't own at least one sword

Teach a man to fish and he’ll get drunk on a boat for one day. Feed a man to a fish and you’ll have a cool story for the rest of your life

Nurse 1 (taking my blood pressure and pulse) “I’m just checking your vital signs” Nurse 2: “I’m just checking your frivolous signs: are you really a Sagittarius?”

Me: *posts about microwave* Internet stranger: "wow I cant believe you hate single mothers, disabled people, neurodivergant people, the elderly, the- "

do boys know that we don’t care how loud their mufflers are

[murderer while in the middle of murdering me] did you just call timeout

Okay, I admit Ozempic has made me lose my taste for human flesh.

Portal Wombat

The secret ingredient to my home cooking is arachnophobia.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

put off laundry for so long I had to wear my thriller jacket to this leadership conference

I'm at that age that my favorite cover songs are super slow atmospheric versions like you just huffed a rag full of ether and that song happenes to be on the radio, it should take you awhile to figure out what song it is

43-time Club Champion.

i just boxed my own ear taking off my sports bra you know you wanna get with this

me: hi, do you take returns? obstetrician: no

I had a joke about jokes, but the joke was that jokes are not really a joke to those who don’t appreciate jokes, but those who enjoy jokes and who are willing to take a joke like them; not all jokes work like jokes unless you understand said joke, but I digress [jumps in front of an oncoming train]

Running outside waving at the sky yelling "DOWN HERE" every time a plane flies over

Dark night of the soul patch

I miss the 1970s when the national pastime was shooting padlocks with high-powered rifles.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they dispose of a body.

Hurling F-bombs at an 85-year-old scientist who won’t fight back doesn’t make you tough. Staying silent after your own daughter accused Rep. Max Miller of holding a gun to her head, pushing her against a wall, and fracturing your granddaughter’s collarbone makes you a coward.

Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com · last wk.

Moreno to Fauci: "Who the fuck did you think you were?"

I asked my doctor if my heart was healthy enough to take Viagra and he said it’s not even healthy enough to watch the commercials.

Really good trolling would be to go see Picnic at Hanging Rock with some friends and then 35 minutes in get up and leave the theater and disappear and never be seen again by anyone in their entire life

how I flirt

It’s 4 am, do you know where your anxious thoughts are?

“it’s xmas in july” i whisper, while breaking into your house by sliding down the chimney

Every diet is a liquid diet, when you have incurable diarrhea.

Just got back from watching the Odyssey and was glued to my seat from the first moment til the very end. I enjoyed the movie; but the overall experience was marred by the disruptive actions of the guy who kept putting the glue on my seat.

How long can you hug the pizza delivery guy before it gets weird

In case it comes up, no one wants my sister to take over my job.