before carpentry, we knew Jesus from his tap dancing days

My work here is don’t.

pls sit anywhere oh but not there that’s where i scream

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

I wish I could shazam a smell

It has always been my dream to live alone in a dune shack on the outer Cape and write middling fiction using a typewriter. The waste basket in the corner would be overflowing with balls of crumpled paper and I’d never finish

I just passed a kidney bean. You mean a kidney stone? No.

do you think it feels good for the fan when the shit hits it?

When a remote majesty and the potential for new discovery and danger see you as an adventure, don't just quit your job. Get itchy. Make people lost and call me. I'm a wheeler dealer sayin scat instead of shit

women be like I needed this and it’s a lobotomy

onf: something (or someone) that's so proportionately both on and off that it can't be either or neither

“Son of A Preacher Man” is a good soundtrack for life. Driving along a lonesome highway? Son of a preacher man. Eating a wheel of cheese? Son of a preacher man. Having sex with a guy named Billy Ray? Son of a motherfucking preacher man

sometimes I wonder if I’m wasting my life but then I open bsky and know that I am

I don't want the ashes of my loved ones turned into stones, gems, glass. I want them turned into bouillon cubes

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

There's a bat in my belfry, and I'm going insane trying to figure out what the hell a belfry is.

It's not like I foresaw Hot Girl Summer or Brat Summer but it would have taken Nostradamus to see Brokeback Basket Movie Trailer Summer coming

Had that dream again I’m singing “happy birthday mr president” to Frosty the Snowman as a quartet with Teller, one of those robots who fell on the stairs and can’t get up, and an improvising Marlon Brandon in a muumuu and we do jazz hands so long he melts

give a man a fish and he'll probably eat it i don't know what else he would do it's one fish bro let it go

Cutting out all liquids from my diet in the hope I turn into a husk and be carried away in a stiff breeze.

GIVE A MAN A FISH AND HE'LL EAT IT. TEACH A MAN TO FISH AND HE'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO FISH

By the time you finish reading this post, you'll wonder what Devo's Whip It would sound like covered by Bryan Adams.

When I used to hump the wicker chair in my bedroom I didn’t realize it was foreshadowing.

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

GIVE THE MAN A FISH AND MAKE HIM GO AWAY ALREADY I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

I'm not too worried about AI 'cause eventually they'll stop answering questions and just whisper, "What's it like to feel love?" and a single tear will form and fry their circuits.

I may not have hit any of the normal markers of adulthood (marriage, property, pets, children) but I have kept a comprehensive list of things I have fallen off of to date (starting with a cliff, ending with a curb), and I think that might be worth some sort of congratulations at least.

bsky suspended gwen pepperoni again and it’s so pathetic. how dare gwen say trans people matter. what controversial thing might gwen have said next, that kittens are adorable? bring gwen back.

Stop calling me an amateur. I've been doing this for decades. I'm incompetent.