If you’re in an adult softball league and in a slump, get an army of skeletons to come to the game and give you the confidence to hit through it

My voice goes up an octave if you are: -a dog -distressingly attractive -behind me

The radio just listed all the quarterbacks for the Browns since 2001. I didn’t hear the whole list as my commute was only an hour

just saw an ad that a local casino is giving away a 1989 camaro iroc z and i’m guessing they just went to mi and stole it outta your stepdads yard

me: my band, kyle reese & the sarah connors, is playing a show in front of the slurpee machine at 7-eleven tonight. you should stop by. the cop who’s shoving me in the back of a squad car: can i bring a friend?

Come through bro Uday and Qusay are bringing their tiger by

it’s funny how people are almost MORE judgmental when you wet your pants sober

I don't want to "explore generative AI" or "diversify my Digital Wallet", I want to "swear fealty to the Raven King" and "Learn the One True Name of all Shadows"

We’re not the same. I go to Big 5 for my running shoes and buy the cheapest ASICS or Saucony’s I can find in a 13

July is usually my favorite month but I missed it this year

sorry for going insane for a few years do you still wanna hang out

Looks like that Nazi guy from South Africa may have shot off a rocket

Bartender, a Hawaiian sea breeze and the spam jello, please.

Dentist: this toothpaste will make you teeth less sensitive Me: do you have any heartpaste?

We had about 14 years where all of us were adults and drank together. Our kids, everywhere . I used to stand there listening to the din, and my Mom or Dad would notice me soaking it up. I always told them “ This won’t last long. You taught me that. Listen.” And they’d smile and hug me. True story.

Any books written by horseshoe crabs should be required reading if they can figure out how to write.

Revenge is best served at the Red Robin in Temecula.

Someone at work said something out of bounds. I’m new, but said “you have a German surname, even Ben Franklin worried your people couldn’t assimilate. If Germans can, anyone can.” They’re getting to know me

If there's a problem that can't be solved using marsupials I'm just not interested in it

[wine & paint night] Wife: wtf is that Me: Rihanna fighting Godzilla in machu picchu Wife: Drunk Guy Behind Me: that's fuckin rad

Passively aggressively cooking lutefisk in the work break room for lunch

When Push Comes 2: Shove

I’m a klepto *takes umbrage*

Public Enemy from 1987-1991 has to be listed among the most goated runs in music tbh

Getting out the Dremel and making my own teeth out of fiestaware. My entire head is dishwasher safe.

There are approximately 392 California Condors in the wild. Here’s one of them.

42 years ago today D. Boon with The Minutemen at 9.30 Club, Washington DC, July 26, 1984. Note the slightly oversized setlist 😆 Photo by Jim Saah. #punk #punks #punkrock #harcorepunk #theminutemen #dboon #history #punkrockhistory

MY FATHER THE POET [taking me hunting for the first time]: the key to catching a good metaphor is to be the tree and not the wind ME: so like a reed in the river? MY FATHER THE POET: that's a simile you barren field.

I’ve had a rule forever. If my kids want to swim I swim. That’s the rule. So that’s what we did this am, even with her living elsewhere.

Age is not an indicator of a persons intelligence, i explain to the fireman trying to free my head from the revolving door