i've run the numbers three times now and it's always the same

My skeets use many of the same letters as successful skeets

come over and watch The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly and hold me for 3 hours its a long ass movie

I'm confused as to why every couple of months we have to rehash the discussion: bluesky is not toxic enough - let's fix that

have you taken your meds have you yelled fuck at least 10x have you made a totem to appease the elder gods

Getting ready for an MMA fight and the training montage is set to You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oates

You shouldn't take the lord's name in vein. You're thinking of heroin, and I'd take my time with that too. Very moreish.

cops will (rightfully) ticket you for throwing your McDonald’s bags out the car window, but there’s just shit in space slamming into the moon.

I think it’s high time that cats earn their driver’s licenses

“Son of A Preacher Man” is a good soundtrack for life. Driving along a lonesome highway? Son of a preacher man. Eating a wheel of cheese? Son of a preacher man. Having sex with a guy named Billy Ray? Son of a motherfucking preacher man

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

wishbone

The Independent@the-independent.com · 7h ago

James Bond producer shares update on 007 casting: ‘It’s got to be really different’

Son: how’d you get your shoulders so big? Me: years and years of shrugging

It has always been my dream to live alone in a dune shack on the outer Cape and write middling fiction using a typewriter. The waste basket in the corner would be overflowing with balls of crumpled paper and I’d never finish

Nostalgia is ruining everything," he said, ruminatively kicking an old Shasta can down the road

Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime

i don’t think people over 5’10” should be able to run for office. what’re you doing up there? scheming, i bet

Running through the forest and screaming "I OWN THIS LAND, I LICKED IT"

I don't want the ashes of my loved ones turned into stones, gems, glass. I want them turned into bouillon cubes

A blinking cursor is like a little word Stargate to transport your words from your brain

You won't outhug me. I'll embrace you for 15 minutes, you little shit

Inertial dampeners sound like a thing I could definitely use IN MY PANTS

🎶 Vangelis "Chariots of Fire" starts playing 🎶

Tim: what should we name our company Ken: how about KENTIM Tim: wait no I have a better idea

me: What a good looking baby. How old? them: Thank you! She’s 15 months. me: So she’s 1…

Someone at work just seriously said wildfires are worse now "because they're getting rid of all the goats and sheep that used to eat it" I'm fucking dumbstruck, but torn between arguing and just fantasising about fire-eating goats

the average american streams eight spider-man movies in their sleep each year

Don’t judge yourself. That’s your cat’s job.

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool