i have over 20 yrs experience in the field with feedback ranging from “ohmyfuckinggod” to nonsensical moans, as well as a completion rate of 95% (+/- 3) - updating my blowjob resume

babydoll i recognize you’re a hideous thing inside

drinking coffee after noon is a disaster it is like daring your brain to do nothing but play the tambourine off-beat all night long when you’re trying to sleep

i will carry your night skies and the shushing whispers of your early morning rainstorms i will harmonize with your lonesome cries as you tattoo the rhythms of your favorite songs over my skin and when the sun wakes again this side of our world, i will stand beside you fingers curled through yours

my dream self made a context appropriate reference to “waiting for godot” while conversing with another dream character and the first thing i said when i awoke was “fucken nerd”

they should make doctor’s appointments that i am excited about

upon my death i request to be placed in a clawfoot tub filled with marshmallows and suspended over a fire so people can make s’mores out of me

THEM: whatcha doin ME: [filling a plate with slugs and flatworms] making creepypasta THEM: that’s not what… ME: [whistles tarantella while tossing in duck penis and a disarticulated teddy ruxpin]

[First date] Me: You’re in for a real treat later. My anus looks like a group of Michael Chiklis impersonators gathered around an open grave.

Siri has a poor sense of humor. I once did the under there/underwear joke to her and she sent a SWAT team to my house and spent my entire direct deposit on edible arrangements

HEY YOU 🫵 wanna follow some funny folks you may not have seen floating around The Sky yet? here are some of my favorite posters with under 10k followers DM me if you want me to remove you 🥰

we're not an echo chamber don't put in the pa--

Join the conversation

go.bsky.app

Them: Can I tell you something? Me: Probably? I mean you’ve demonstrated you can ask me something so it should really just be a matter of punctuation.

Sorry I cried “to the thicket!” before going down on you.

Okay well if you don't want both of your thumbs shot off then don't be popping off at people with shit like "I declare a thumb war," some folk do not take such declarations lightly, now let's chalk this up to a misunderstanding and I'll take you to the hospital

Don't mind him, that's just Impaled by Harpoons Jim, he's named that on account of the harpoons that keep impaling him. *Waves* hey Jim Jim: *a harpoon suddenly flies out of nowhere and impales him* howdy

lonely farts club band

Me: [forgetting your name for the 100th time] Also me: "877-Cash Now!"

Welcome to adulthood. You now identify sounds by how expensive they’ll be.

How much ball cleavage…dickolletage if you’d prefer…is best for a white tie event?

THE EAGLES: take it to the limit CADY HERON: the limit does not exist

I’m sorry it “ruins the mood” Sharon, but my mom taught me to always say “oopsie” whenever I make a mess.

To my wheelchair using friends: looks like I need to get sort of a smaller/ narrower wheelchair for my mom. Cramped house, space etc. Any advice on brands, hings to avoid etc? Might also need an assisted lifting device for lifting her her in and out of bed etc. all input would be great.

I’m such a private person that it’s none of my business what I’m up to.

*being given a rorschach test* they’re all my posts

You don't have to tell me twice because I don't listen either time.

There’s a puka shell necklace in my closet that talks to me like the Green Goblin mask

What goes on in the crisper drawer of my fridge is none of my business