Got my DNA test results back and turns out I’m 70% ocean

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

Just straight up Bugs Bunnyied a carrot. Ate it with a little green on the end. Crunched it with the side of my mouth. Docs were asked what’s up.

Just straight up Bugs Bunnyied a carrot. Ate it with a little green on the end. Crunched it with the side of my mouth. Docs were asked what’s up.

I HAVE BEEN SUBSIDIZING WALMART AND AMAZON STARVING THEIR EMPLOYEES FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE.

USA TODAY Opinion@usatodayopinion.usatoday.com · 2d ago

Opinion: Mamdani's idea may sound appealing, but it's NYC taxpayers who will take the hit, subsidizing discounts they may never even use.

Study: Students get more liberal during college, but it has no detectable relationship to the subject they study or the partisanship of their professors. micah-baum.github.io/files/baum-e...

If they don’t have shame, then guilt will have to do.

Olúfẹ́mi O. Táíwò@olufemiotaiwo.bsky.social · yesterday

you don't have shame? don't worry we'll be ashamed for you

The alphabet was original in QWERTY order, but unfortunately the song was notoriously difficult to sing. Only a handful of countertenors have ever dared to try.

Been snacking on this for one half hour and still cannot tell if I like it at all.

Ok, but have you seen my quarter three budget spreadsheet in 70mm IMAX?

NYC during COVID was terrifying. 1000 people a day were dying, constant sirens, refrigerator trucks for bodies. PPE was elusive, ventilators sent to Putin—the Federal government had abandoned the country. Then the vaccine arrived; we wept when my wife, with chronic conditions, got an appointment.

It's ME(Jaime)@exceedhergrasp1.bsky.social · 2d ago

I lived NEAR a city and the ambulances ran past the main road constantly. RFK would have you believe that those ambulances were empty, and also that every ER doc and nurse across the country is simultaneously lying, and only he can tell you the truth.

Remember to be kind to yourself today. You can be evil to yourself tomorrow. On Wednesday you should be kind to ducks. On Thursday the ducks will be evil to you, so watch out for that

my neighborhood 7-11 closed a couple years ago and tried to reopen but couldn’t get the permit approved because there’s a preschool next door and 7-11s sell alcohol (the previous permit was grandfathered in). i saw a fence going up around the lot recently and looked up what was moving in: a gun shop

hanging out in the cave with my mutuals watching the shadows dance upon the wall

When I’m paying closer attention to my diet, I’ll eat just one novel for lunch and then have a sensible dinner (a book of poems or a couple of plays).

Fella at the gym offered to help me with my form and showed me how to adjust my spine so that I'm no longer burdened by the weight of all the lives that I've left unlived.

If you're ever hiking in the woods and get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you'll know which way space is.

PROTEINMAXXXING (I ate a narwhal)

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Heard the feathered hum start up this morning.

Ygrene@ygrene.bsky.social · 6mo ago

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

There’s a guy at the farmers market who will read your tomato’s aura for a quarter

AMERICAN TIME-LOOP PROTAGONIST: I’ll steal all the money and seduce everyone until I learn to be less selfish DANISH TIME-LOOP PROTAGONIST: I am a monster, a thief, a devourer, utterly alone

An itsy bitsy monstery flash for your reading night:

She Said God But She Meant Silver — Ghost Parachute

Not silver-tongued like the devil but silver bullets like the ones that kills werewolves. Alice always switched words, said something other than what she meant. But we’d all gotten used to it, gotten ...

ghostparachute.com

Thinking about the time i went to a planetarium and someone booed when they showed the earth

a poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Inside your crotch are 2 harpoons

Moby Dick@mobydickatsea.bsky.social · 4d ago

It is customary to have two harpoons reposing in the crotch

My protein powder says KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN because if the children start locking in their gains, they will eventually punish us for what we have left them.

Important events just like us! @nafmcpodcast.bsky.social watched Conclave! Join Pope Nate @thenatewolf.bsky.social Vestment @murrman5.bsky.social THE 3 HOUR DIVE @ladybroseph.bsky.social Like and share to save humanity from suffering like for real. www.tickettailor.com/events/waldo...

IT'S TOO EARLY TO GIVE UP HOPE

RM@dorsalstream.bsky.social · 5d ago

I'm sad to report that my initiative to rebrand food as "Gut Loot" has been unsuccessful.

We’re starving millions of Americans so musk and bezos can get tax cuts and trump can collect bribes www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/...

The Coming Food-Stamp Crisis

A looming deadline may force some states to end SNAP next year.

theatlantic.com