If alert, non-drowsy decision making is important to you ask your pharmacist about post-nut Claritin®

@joshjohnsoncomedy.bsky.social's loose, conversational standup sets are always worth a watch, but his latest show is especially good.

Andrew & Tristan Tate Reached the End of the Algorithm

YouTube video by Josh Johnson

youtube.com

My Little Pony fetish dude baffled by lack of popular uproar as airlines ban bridles from carry-on

Ayo@darrylayo.bsky.social · 20h ago

Guys like this don’t realize that they are the freak

I tried to stop cussing but there are just too many Cybertrucks on my local roads

Is there a Mr interpreting my post?

Remember to be kind to yourself today. You can be evil to yourself tomorrow. On Wednesday you should be kind to ducks. On Thursday the ducks will be evil to you, so watch out for that

Scientists confirm the human body is 70% water, 30% unopened emails.

the average american streams eight spider-man movies in their sleep each year

The General Causes of Anxiety Rankings (GCAR) have been updated for 2026, and for the first time since records began Karaoke (Open in Incorrect Key) has been bumped from the top 10 by bright young newcomer Lettuce Taint (Domestic).

All I want from a phone is the physical impossibility of swiping the wrong part of the screen and accidentally opening the selfie camera when I'm not emotionally prepared to look at my own face at that angle and distance. It doesn't even have to make calls.

jokes on you the horse i rode in on would never fuck you

No, honestly David, I really like it. It's just... well, do you know any other chords? --The Lord, eventually

Found someone who not only offered to store all of my wordly possessions for the undetermined period I'll be away from Mongolia, but will also manage my business for a month so my ex-wife has time to properly mourn her dad when she returns home from her wedding in Spain. I have the best friends.

sorry for commenting “seems like AI” on your pregnancy announcement

It is two years today since this dimwit gave us the most hilarious demonstration of karma in history.

There's a beautiful scene in Band of Brothers set during Operation Market Garden in which a paratrooper from Easy Company, after years of Nazi occupation, gives a Dutch child his first taste of chocolate Tragically it's American chocolate, which is a deeply cruel trick to play on a European

[Burning the Library of Alexandria] Well sure, I guess it's "sad" or whatever but this will finally unlock a second style of flyer for your next event

Joe Rogan: and you’re saying there’s evidence, like, real evidence that cavemen had pet dinosaurs? Me: Yep. Joe Rogan: and this alien that visited. What’s its name again? Me: Gazoo. The Great Gazoo. Joe Rogan: fuuuuuck dude. Why don’t they teach us this stuff?

(acting in American Psycho but I forgot my lines) wow... business card.... a perfect rectangle... white, with words on it... All the key information is on here Jared Leto: (also forgot his lines) Plus it has Dope Handfeel as well

Drinking a protein shake that expired a month ago. Why should Americans have all the explosive diarrhea fun?

Remembered to unscrew the plastic cap from a squeeze bottle of hair product and remove the little foil tab covering the opening BEFORE getting in the shower where I'd have to use my teeth to grip it, so yeah, I guess you could say I've got my life pretty much together.

Much like Sandra Battye the genuine seamstress in Pratchett’s Night Watch, most large radio telescopes have a skilled makeup artist on staff for when confused people show up looking to learn how to properly contour.

Not telling anyone I was bit by a zombie because of HIPAA

My ex-wife's father passed this morning after fighting cancer for a decade. The world won't remember him, but I will. He was a teacher. He raised seven daughters on his own. He welcomed me into his family and cried at our wedding without shame. A Mongolian mensch. Rest well, dad, you earned it.

I saw a comment on TikTok that said Mitch McConnell is on eternity leave and honestly I will never achieve that level of wit

Turned 45 a couple of hours ago, and already finished the traditional age horror-fuelled birthday workout. Let this be the year I meet my second and final wife, though if any genies are listening I'm very open to my ex-girlfriend's fiancé falling down a well to clear the way for a second attempt.

Disclosure Day is the first movie I've watched at home this year without pausing it halfway to do the dishes or sort my laundry, or playing with my phone while I give it half my attention. Close Encounters vibes. Classic Spielberg.

I don't judge except when you don't wash your hands in public restrooms in this, our year of cyclospora doodoo lettuce

Me: I hate AI. It's a cancer. Wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. AI: Hi! I can remove Donald Trump from any World Cup celebration photo at the touch of a button! Me: ... I'm listening. AI: Great, I'll ᵏᶦˡˡ ʸᵒᵘʳˢᵉˡᶠ get right on it! Is ⁿᵃᶻᶦˢ ʷᵉʳᵉ ᶜᵒᵒˡ there anything else I can do for you today?