A guy getting coffee took one sip and said “too much milk,” and stared out the window like he just watched Rome fall.

I long for the simpler times like when that asshole merely suggested we all ingest bleach

I love taking someone out for the first time. It’s the only night of the relationship where they still think my silence means I’m listening.

If someone calls me back instantly after I dial them, I don't answer. That’s too fast. That means they were holding their phone, waiting for me, and frankly, that kind of enthusiasm makes me nervous.

I delete my replies. So what🤷‍♂️

taking a 5 minute break from posting to stare directly into a burning lightbulb until my eyes are completely healed. do not disturb me I am engaging in vital health practices

I relate to gravel because it's just thousands of tiny, fragmented pieces trying to hold a boundary, but the second anyone walks over it, everything shifts uncomfortably.

reminder that your all your bedsheets are potential ghosts

Stop saying "log into a portal." Sounds way too cool for what's happening.

Some sad news. The Inventor of throat lozenges died last night. As per his wishes, there will be no coffin at the funeral.

[baby court] ME: I’d like to remind the defendant that I still have his nose

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

the urge to reply "per my last email" is the only thing keeping me awake through this afternoon post-lunch crash

i'm so close to standing on the side of the road barefoot wearing a sandwich board that says the end is nigh, like i'm just looking for the right hat at this point

some of the most fun you can have is calmly telling an angry man "Wow, you seem really emotional right now" lmao

riding it in a way that brings honor to my family

I'm pretty laid back unless I hear a phone ring more than once

I always encourage people to take a mental health day from work. It gives their coworkers a nice, peaceful preview of what the funeral will be like.

Me: *making a phone call* why won’t they answer? Me: *receiving a phone call* why are they calling!

Once again I am announcing that I do not know what is for dinner.

I love the dynamic of leaving a voicemail hoping they don't answer, and when my phone actually rings, I stare at the screen until it stops, just so I can feel like I won a tiny war.

I don’t mean to brag but I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life.

Language is exhausting. The fact that we have to translate our internal chaotic noise into coherent sentences just so other people can misinterpret them feels like a huge design flaw.

Scientists confirm the human body is 70% water, 30% unopened emails.

Waking up is just respawning in the same map with worse stats.

a forehead kiss isn’t enough i want him to swallow my whole head

the average american streams eight spider-man movies in their sleep each year

the sixth stage of grief: still posting on bsky