the ghost of this lamp

dolly parton: jolene, jolene, jolene, joleeeeeeene alan partridge: dan, dan, dan, daaaaaaan

Found this recording of Rita Moreno performing “Fever” on The Muppet Show from 1976. 14/10

You make one mistake at work and all of a sudden you're "the guy who released the virus”

Welcome to the forest.

say there were clowns in the animal kingdom like some wolves or deer coming out with painted faces and honkable noses you’d be livid

Remember to be kind to yourself today. You can be evil to yourself tomorrow. On Wednesday you should be kind to ducks. On Thursday the ducks will be evil to you, so watch out for that

Out on my morning run and a man just overtook me but it's ok because I remember the story of the tortoise and the hare and I know that if I'm patient he'll eventually have to sleep. and when he does I'll kill him.

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. Let him who is without stone come down to Steve's Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike, for all your stone needs.

me whwen a minor personal setback befalls my rival

i know dogs dream because one time i saw one applying for college

Options for tonight include watching a movie, following the strange blue lights into the woods, getting a takeaway, following the lights, playing some music, follow the lights, follow them, into the woods, follow the lights into the woods, or getting an early night

First they came for me. Like, right away. I tried saying "Don't you have some trade unionists or gypsies or something to deal with?", I tried giving them names, but they weren't interested.

you’ve stumbled upon this fish and the only phrase it can say is “pearl jam”

In Poland, pole dancing is just called dancing.

Librarians hate when you poke your head through the book return slot from outside and shout "Booooring!" and get your head stuck in the slot

You're driving on an empty road when you hit it. It doesn't move. Jesus Christ. Nobody saw. You compose yourself. It's just a Muppet. Nobody saw. You get home. Go to bed. Your sleep is restless. When you wake you're warm. Itchy. Your skin feels... dry? Like felt. It's time to play the music

OBSTETRICIAN: okay bear down NURSE: *holding shotgun* how did it get in here

[Tearing up while cutting onions] Mother used to cut onions.

“Say, Will—why don’t you pull that thing out and play us a tune?”

We’ve been told our content needs to be more informative so here you go

Bert and Ernie should have their own show. I don't want to have to watch Sesame Street to see what they're up to. I'm not 5

PEOPLE WRITING ABOUT LOVECRAFT: he was the master of indescribable horrors LOVECRAFT, WRITING: it was a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people-eater! DEAR GOD, I SAY, A ONE-EYED ONE-HORNED FLYING PURPLE PEOPLE-EATER! and that's not an ethnicity I like!