I washed my cat in the kitchen sink so he had diarrhea until I said I was sorry and it would never happen again.

hot gamers in your area want to unlock all your achievements

Ever have that dream where you get framed for murder by a co-worker and when the police are arresting you, you are like "I didn't murder those people! I'm a cat!"

I try to keep my accomplishment count per day kind of low so people don't think I'm showing off. Today I joined a gym and took out the trash so I need to cool it for a bit.

How many nunchucks would a nun chuck if a nun could chuck nunchucks?

I just realized I don't even know you people.

Not sure the jokes and kitten posts really balance out how down I feel after reading my feed here.

They tell me I’m uncultured, but I’ll always recognise a bit of Beethoven.

If Taylor Swift really wanted a private wedding venue she should’ve considered the National Mall.

Close your eyes and imagine the thing you want most in the world. Now imagine yourself achieving that thing. Now imagine a worm wearing a shoe. Now do a cartwheel.

There once was a pope who cried schism When bishops were trying to diss’im That Sunday at mass He showed them his ass And said, “See deez turned cheeks? Go and kiss’m”

Perry Mason taught me that it’s not libel if it’s true. From this we can extrapolate that it’s not anthropomorphizing if my coffee maker really is happy.

People learn from their mistakes? I didn't even know that was an option.

The sky was the color of a TV screen, tuned to Fox News coverage of America's State Fair.

It’s HOT! Don’t forget to unplug your local Data center to stay cool.

look, whether you root for team USA or not, i think we can all agree the important thing is that you should feel like a sorry piece of shit 24 hours a day for deciding to be alive

I'm not mysterious like a femme fatale, I'm mysterious like when you unexpectedly discover that your pet's paw is wet

movie pitch: what if the North won the Civil War

The answer to the question is here, by the way: www.tom-cox.com/the-cat-who-...

The Cat Who Travelled Through Time

My mum and dad’s cat Bridget (pictured above, more recently) has always been a bit of a wanderer.

tom-cox.com

Tom Cox@dj-acid-reflux.bsky.social · 3mo ago

THREAD. A while ago my parents' cat Bridget went missing. As the worrying weeks dragged on my dad devised a way to distract himself: he began to paint Bridget's adventures, imagining her travelling through time & inhabiting art's most iconic scenes. What he produced (& how quickly) was phenomenal...

Me eyeing the exits but not sure where to go..."Uruguay is progressive and democratic, huh? lemme wiki it and then make talking about moving there my entire identity for a couple weeks."

Until our chimpanzees stop eating bananas that way, their HBO subscription has been cut off.

Trans beloveds, take some time off the internet if you need to. Clarence Thomas is a piece of shit sexual harasser with literally no good opinions. You are better than him in every way that counts.

Always makes me happy when my knowledge of Revolting Cocks tracks is useful in a conversation

The sign said “Noodles Sandwiches” and I thought they meant sandwiches filled with noodles but nooo it was just another pho place. Who doesn’t want a noodle sandwich? Someone make it happen, please.

I like to throw in a dash of wisdom to keep my bullshit fresh.

👇👇👇👇

centrists love to be like “when are you socialists going to win regions and states that we centrists currently also don’t win”