Cooking tip: Remember to turn the oven off when you go upstairs to fuck

Always a good time whenever someone learns the truth about the dude who markets women’s work as his own

Got kicked out of another church for receiving communion too sensually

men's clothing only has more pockets for us to store all the audacity

What is one automobile that you can just look at and know a d*ckhe*d probably drives that??!

Just tried to hit my weed pen backwards. I think I’m good

No, no, no, no Don't phunk with my cheese

Carrying a bucket of fried chicken and I can’t tell if this guy wants to fight me or fuck me.

A glory hole for people to shove live grenades into my mouth.

“Oh well,” he said, oh welling into the forever.

can't fall asleep, better try scrolling bsky on a tiny array of bright lights close enough to my face to read without glasses. it's never worked before but maybe tonight is the night.

They should make a self awareness that comes factory installed

i've looked everywhere, yes even in between the couch cushions and behind the refrigerator but i still can't find my reason to live

Am I the only one who, seeing "pay now" on the self-checkout, starts singing to myself, "Pay now, paaay now, don't dream it's over?"

Women say they want a sensitive guy. If he cries during a car commercial, that’s too sentimental.

I don't wanna brag but I brag harder than anyone here

Erectile dysfunction, but it's just bad penile punctuality (my morning erection arrived at noon)

I’m not funny. I just play one on Bluesky. 

Our safe word is “I’ll do the dishes.” Works every time.

True intimacy is sitting in silence, both pretending you don’t hear the other one fart.

Marriage is just two people taking turns being in the wrong. In reality, I’m always the incorrect one.

My therapist told me to live in the moment. I’m killing it because I can’t remember the last 30 minutes.

My wife love language is sighing loudly until I guess what I did wrong.

I love my wife. But if she says “we” one more time when she means “moi,” I’m starting a support group for singular pronouns.

Getting high is the only time I believe my own motivational speeches. “Go! Go! Go! You can finish that extra-large double cheese and pepperoni pizza, champ!”

Getting high makes me a philosopher. “What if spoons are just tiny shovels for your mouth?” —Mind. —Blown.

A kid whacks you with one of those sponge batons, you’re legally allowed to take his juice box.

My daily blood pressure pill holder is like a weekly Advent Calendar. 🎄 💊

Sometimes I bait the International Brotherhood of Um Actually just to feel something