Such bullshit that my bank won’t let me roll over my CD into a slush fund

At least I enjoy my own company

if you voted for Haley Stevens you should have to wear a giant Arby’s hat for the rest of your life as punishment

Cop: do you know how fast you were going? Me: cosmically, about 1,300,000 mph. Cop: have you taken any illicit substances? Me: I have only taken your mom‘s anal virginity 

my account still has that new post smell

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

Gwen Pepperoni til I die

I dunno, I'd let a few wild horses drag me away

Jelly Roll announces performing hiatus to 'heal' following divorce from Bunnie XO

Los Angeles Times@latimes.com · 19h ago

Jelly Roll announces performing hiatus to 'heal' following divorce from Bunnie XO

what better way to show your allyship for a marginalized group than to block the people sticking up for said group

reminder that your all your bedsheets are potential ghosts

[wine & paint night] Wife: wtf is that Me: Rihanna fighting Godzilla in machu picchu Wife: Drunk Guy Behind Me: that's fuckin rad

Are you there, God? It's me, the guy who makes creepy Judy Blume references

Good thing, I can find humor in everything and be easily entertained just sitting and watching absolute unhinged bullshit.

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

Bluesky is adult day care...act accordingly.

I’ve decided to use my relaxed and positive personality for the first 30 days of this relationship

An atm that moans when you slide your card in

Ritz titz Like tits except the areolas are Ritz

i'm old enough to remember when windows vista was too annoying

worm@rfksbrainworm.bsky.social · yesterday

the answer to the question in the headline can be found in the subheading

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

Developing a prediction market app for banger skeets.

i call my tits overworked and underpaid. and that’s just the left one.

I want to make your bad days better. Not, like, resolved or anything. Just higher quality, more effective, more efficiently bad.

Flirting is just staring at someone and hoping they figure it out before they call the cops.