Bluesky T&S: Nice site you got there. *talking a long drag on a cigarette* Sure would be a shame if somebody let a whole buncha nazis in.

Christians should be banned from playing sports. Jesus provides them with additional strength, which gives them unfair advantage.

Each decade of music tells a story. That’s why basically everything from this one is so horrible

America fading into obscurity in a maelstrom of fascism and explosive diarrhea feels right

Experts aren't always right. That's why I put my faith in morons who are never right

I was not aware that drinking 30 bottles of vanilla extract would cause intoxication.

The coolest thing about living in Florida is watching “my strange arrest” and all the arrests are right by my house. Unless they’re in Vegas and then they’re right by my old house.

Once again I am announcing that I do not know what is for dinner.

Thinking about the time i went to a planetarium and someone booed when they showed the earth

America giving me PTSD

Thinking it might be nice to give someone a greeting card that doesn't express any particular sentiment. "Indifferent regards to you on this unremarkable occasion". On the card could be a picture of a log or a toaster

I don’t understand what’s going on with companies just announcing that they’re doing crime and no one arresting any of them

ME: do you have any specials PHARMACIST: what

it 2026 and the safest thing to eat in America is Ranchero Steak & Cheese Tornados from Circle K

first of all it was a “celebration of life” and second of all we BOTH know grandma loved my breakdancing

Look, all I'm saying is that you could eat lettuce under the Obama and Biden administrations.

Do you want to scuba in a sinkhole this weekend? Me: are there any man eating alligators in it? No. Me: then no.

[beach] ME: if a shark stops moving it will die WIFE: for the last time you can't kill a shark with a stop sign ME: it's the law diane

communism is when a charismatic leader tells you how you are allowed to cut and style your hair. capitalism is when your employer tells you how you are allowed to cut and style your hair

Pirate: The sea has a simple set of rules - if it's hot it's a siren, if not then it's a sea monster

*very carefully selects the wrong option*

Maybe we’re not in hell but if we were I don’t know what would be different

Watch the evening news because the news is over by then. Haha just kidding it never ends this is hell

I hate flying insects. You can fly FOR FREE. You can fly to any holiday destination of your choice but here you are in my face.

when I was 17 my dad and a couple friends of ours went on a trip that required us to take a very small plane to our destination, I was insanely nervous, so I just started making jokes and doing voices and got the whole plane laughing. after, the pilot told me it was the most annoyed he’s ever been.

I'm sorry I told your kid that hindsight meant looking at butts professionally.

going outside to get some fresh air *goes outside and lights a cigarette*

doing this new thing where i wake up in the morning and create a fake world in my mind where everything is normal and makes sense. also, my hair looks good

It’s ok guys just order your salad without the lettuce.