I wish I could shazam a smell

Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime

I liked you better as a repressed memory

This day in history. 529. Feast day of Sithney, patron saint of mad dogs and the National Rifle Association.

dumplings sound like cute little baby poops

Cop: any illegal drugs on you? Me: what state am i in?

When a remote majesty and the potential for new discovery and danger see you as an adventure, don't just quit your job. Get itchy. Make people lost and call me. I'm a wheeler dealer sayin scat instead of shit

“Son of A Preacher Man” is a good soundtrack for life. Driving along a lonesome highway? Son of a preacher man. Eating a wheel of cheese? Son of a preacher man. Having sex with a guy named Billy Ray? Son of a motherfucking preacher man

Using lists of three is not an "AI tell." It's a common trait in human writing because our brains biologically want to make sure there's always one thing to marry, one thing to fuck, and one thing to murder.

GIVE THE MAN A FISH AND MAKE HIM GO AWAY ALREADY I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

Old Looney Tunes with YouTube thumbnails like Yosemite Sam TOTAL MELTDOWN over Varmint

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what

I really hate dealing with the shirt tuckers at work go maximize synergy over there bro leave me alone

dude fuck this government

It Appears That the US Military Accidentally Killed Everybody on Board a Civilian Medevac Flight in New Mexico

A days-long electronic warfare drill was one of the causes behind the loss of a four-passenger medevac flight.

futurism.com

If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

suspiciously green bananas is sadly one of the funniest things i’ve read in awhile

I'm at that age that my favorite cover songs are super slow atmospheric versions like you just huffed a rag full of ether and that song happenes to be on the radio, it should take you awhile to figure out what song it is

mcdonald's manager: show the new guy the ropes me: yeah no prob *opens drawer* we use them to restrain grimace

A good friend will help you with anything except having that first friend and saying "I'd like to go from zero to one with you!" only works on robots

If I were an influencer I’d say something like: plates are overrated, and then hold up a taco in my hand

another day another drop in this river of despair that meanders on to lead nowhere

An atm that moans when you slide your card in

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

Effervescent is just a polite way of saying fuckervescent

Stop saying "log into a portal." Sounds way too cool for what's happening.

In heaven you can punch anyone you want in the face

Just straight up Bugs Bunnyied a carrot. Ate it with a little green on the end. Crunched it with the side of my mouth. Docs were asked what’s up.