Been told I have go to bed eyes

You can't use ointment to fix your problems. It won't salve anything.

Headline from 1998:

Yes please!

My wife is not particularly imaginative. During sex, she called out another man’s name. I mean, she literally screamed “Another man’s name! Another man's name!”

If there is ever a need for someone to opt out of the team-building activity I’m your girl

[bird comes out of retirement for his last ever audition for a musical] director: and what song are you going to sing for us swan: you’re not gonna believe this

I've never planned a heist of any kind but there's still time

Good morning. Let’s all go get it* today (*naps)

Well I didn’t put it there.

[first date] Rupert Holmes: I like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Wicked Witch of the West: This isn't going to work out.

August 1 - 7 is International Breastfeeding Week and man, am I pumped.

At the "throwing last minute random items into suitcase" phase of packing.

I’ve gotten a lot done this morning None of it has to do with my job, but still

(at the freak park) it’s nice to be able to let them off the leash

Me: my summer vacation is all planned and paid for Buddy: how is this different than the vacations with your ex-wife that you always complained about? Me: the "paid for" part.

Old man: *uploads photos to the cloud* Cloud: *deletes photos* Old man: *yells at cloud*

So Twister isn’t the origin story of the game. Ok

I just got a 10 cent refund check so I am on easy street

That rare July day you open your windows and realize there's a terrible clarinet player in the neighborhood.

If you’re thinking about becoming interested in sports and want to decide which teams to root for, here is a quick question to ask yourself: Would you rather suffer or be insufferable?

Sitting in the dark in a Chinese restaurant because I thought dim sum sounded heavy, so I asked the waiter if dim sum light was available.

Me: I don't have a monkey on my back, but I do have a chimp on my shoulder. 500 lb gorilla: Wtf?

Purple, not broken. One would think i hate my toes. This is not true, im just careless with their wellbeing.

roses are red, if shoes rhymed with goes, tomorrow you’d

Was in bed for thirteen hours but I still need coffee man

A passion for opiates is just poppy love.

Park rangers: Don't pee in the bushes, it attracts bears. Me: My man, I'd rather risk dying by bear than see the aftermath of the horrifying events that took place in those washrooms

I can't believe someone at Toyota actually approved the name "Highlander" for a car knowing full well that it would limit their production capacity to "only one."

It’s harm day at the gym