Ooooo I found chocolate in my fridge! How the hell did I forget about you, my precious.

No matter our differences we just need to agree on some of the important things in life . . . like the fact that pizza is healthy because it contains veggies.

URGENT CALL FOR MUTUAL AID: can someone help me hack my LG washing machine to play the xylophone solo to Gone Daddy Gone (Violent Femmes '83)?

Nobody sees the 5am runs. Nobody sees me choosing a salad over fries. Nobody sees me doing yoga in a peaceful sunlit room. Because I don't do any of that shit…. 💪🏼😉

Once again feeling annoyed that a huge part of adult life is just figuring out what's for dinner.

IMO if social media had a smell, it would be the smell of stale beer and burnt popcorn.

if the universe is expanding why are you always in my space?

I am ready for the wildfire smoke to shimmy on elsewhere. Preferably an alternate dimension or Hell.

i dont give a fuck who you are you are not above the five dollar costco rotisserie chicken

Diahann Carroll The first Black woman to win a Tony Award for Best Leading Actress in a Musical, No Strings (1962) 🎼

onf: something (or someone) that's so proportionately both on and off that it can't be either or neither

If you're unsure of how to properly use pool noodles, the first thing you should know is that they are only to be used at the pool, weirdos.

When a remote majesty and the potential for new discovery and danger see you as an adventure, don't just quit your job. Get itchy. Make people lost and call me. I'm a wheeler dealer sayin scat instead of shit

When life gives you demons, make demonade.

brb throwing every electronic device i have into the goddamn sea

It really takes a lot of courage for hamburger to ask for help.

a kind man just chased me down leaving the grocery store because i'd forgotten to put my ground beef in the shopping bag. a cashier was chasing him down because he'd forgotten his wallet at the register. it's the little things.

by Ryszard Kaja

Wow! I have over 200 words/terms to choose from. Okay, first time usage for 5 words in the year I was born: - snog - microcircuit - neatnik - biodegradable - reverb Honorable mentions for terms: - narcissistic personality disorder - oral sex - mini-mart - nondisclosure agreement - neutron bomb

m o c h y@mochy.bsky.social · 3d ago

antisocial personality disorder midsize minicomputer redacted subemployed

To direct my attention from the structural madness of society I will be getting really mad at individual people for the foreseeable future.

When advice is too much storytelling and specific to be practical it's just me asking if I ever told you about the ants and apple fritter and pissing on that mean teacher's door, well anyway, getting donuts at night only leads to civil disobedience

Every time you speak, the elephant in the room does jerk-off motions behind your back.

Sometimes I feel like a song was written just for me. Like, Ludacris saw me at the grocery store and could feel the thoughts of my soul… “Move bitch, get out the way. Get out the way, bitch…”

How much did you really enjoy your lunch if you don't have to change clothes after?

maybe your problem is that you grew up without Kool & the Gang

Each of our golf course holes is named after one of the owner’s children except for hole 15, Mr Peanut, which is named after his cause of death

So you want me to build a runoff system for your moxie to protect the town's ego from potential structural damage? Sorry, I put up some I'm ok I guess gutters one time and squirrels didn't really believe it

Checks WebMD for "tingling in the feet" --- WebMD: Get off your ass, your foot fell asleep.

I'm stuck somewhere between the future looks bright & life has passed me by.

God I’m so sick of perfect, beautiful people. Glad you guys are here