My dad was so pissed when I chose hockey over figure skating.

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

Me: "I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce." Waiter: "So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?" Me: "Still call it a salad though."

Proofread my posts? I don’t do that

It has always been my dream to live alone in a dune shack on the outer Cape and write middling fiction using a typewriter. The waste basket in the corner would be overflowing with balls of crumpled paper and I’d never finish

please stop replying “skill issue” on all my posts

I love ending incredibly aggressive emails with "Yours in Christ."

I wish I could shazam a smell

My workout plan is lifting the remote from the coffee table to my lap. That’s a solid twelve-inch curl. Three times a day if I’m feeling spunky.

One time back in 2007 I told a waiter that I found their peanut sauce very sataysfying and I've been banned from every restaurant in my town ever since

If you see this, quote the energy you bring to Bluesky.

School Bordem

Alt: (Anthony Michael Hall as) Brian Johnson in The Breakfast Club, chewing on his pen.

static.klipy.com

@katsstuff.bsky.social · 15h ago

If you see this, quote the energy you bring to BlueSky

don’t invite me to your sleepover unless the other invitees are all cats

There were a few financial upsides by not hiring lifeguards at the town pool this summer although there have been some drownsides.

I've been screaming into a different abyss.

My personality is nothing but cheese and pickles at this point.

the bearded dude with the smooth voice that outs assholes got his own show on discovery which got me thinking... the future promised to me was flying cars not whatever this is

Nope. Can't. Feeding the two wolves inside of me. (they like nachos)

Wore a Partridge Family t-shirt to bed last night and I woke up in love this morning.

If there's one thing that can unite us, it's candy corn in August.

Sad

Alt: Pablo Escobar looking sad and the words, "Now, We Wait" below.

static.klipy.com

Not fitting in doesn’t make you a reject, it means you reject being like everybody else.

Everyone's emergency is real. Unfortunately, emergencies are terrible at taking turns.

A vacuum sealer is basically a machine that hugs food really tight

give a man a fish and he’ll selfie with it for dating sites

I don’t think there’s enough rumors going around about me

Developing a prediction market app for banger skeets.

Me: *does the robot* Interviewer: I meant skills related to the job.

If you're going to be loud, you owe it to the community to be interesting.

All I'm saying is there are no donut parasites

Bluesky is adult day care...act accordingly.

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what