Getting sucked into a jet engine would fix me.

This day in history. 1976. At a concert in Santa Monica members of Spirit invited Neil Young to join them for the encore but lead singer Randy California shoved him off the stage before offering a performance of Like a Rolling Stone worse than anything you can imagine and you can imagine some dreck.

Canadian geese are like regular geese but they sure do like maple syrup.

“Open up your heart and let the sunshine in” sounds like something a serial killer in a grade B horror movie says right before he stabs you in the chest.

I released my inhibitions and they came back home

when I’m depressed I watch brian’s hat and then I’m less depressed for a smidge

had that dream where I had obstructive sleep apnea and Shaq held me down and forced me to take prescription medication

Micky Dolenz's therapist: And what would you say haunted all your dreams, Micky? Micky Dolenz: Disappointment.

A stake through his still beating heart. Nothing less will kill Count Chocula.

First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

I’ve regretted you for as long as I can remember

I’ve got to keep posting or the little people inside my head will get bored and start screaming

You can’t fool me, I’m pretty busy fooling myself right now.

Any noun can be an insult if you put the adjective "fucking" in front of it, you fucking cupcake

Forget your horoscope, how many tabs do you have open

I feel your pain no that's mine.

Its okay. I have a life. I just scroll here.

in australia we use spanner as an insult and it is directly derived from spanner in the works follow me for more facts which are likely not facts at all

i once got my feather earring stuck in my mesh shirt while doing calisthenics at the YMCA and won a karate competition while trying to untangle it

Karen - 🎶Why do birds, suddenly appear... every time... you are near?🎶 Me - Yeah... why is that? Maybe it's that cartoon cat that keeps hitting me on the head with that oversized mallet.

I might be wine drunk, and I am, but what was I saying

bitch, I’ll threaten you with a good time. idgaf

ZOOKEEPER: So pythons and anacondas are part of a family of snakes called constrictors ME: *way too loud* Also called wraptiles ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

To whoever wrote "vagina repellent" on my pokemon backpack I will find you

Muppet version of The Usual Suspects

A bank where "Bitch Better Have My Money' plays on a loop

Did it hurt when you fell through your screen door

My ex: What’s that you’re wearing? Me: Mood Rings My ex: They kind of look like brass knuckles Me: Don’t they though?

my daughter's super power is making full grown adults question their devotion to social norms