Sometimes I’ll buy a live lobster at the grocery store and go toss it in the ocean so it can warn the others

"Everyone has that one weird uncle?" Hahaha. Wait, I'm an uncle. 🤔

Sprinkles metamucil on your dinner like Mrs. Dash.

stop bitching about it being dark you weren’t doing anything aside from fucking around on your phone anyway

C-SPAN statement yesterday was particularly notable www.facebook.com/CSPAN/posts/...

Me sliding into Monday like

Oh sure, I get a catsuit advertised to me right when I lose my job.

I got brain freeze from eating revenge too fast.

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It’s a humbling experience to be in my passenger seat

Once I acquitted a woman of killing her husband Despite a confession i had thrown out of court She then asked me on a date Turns our insurance tefised to pay ans she wanted to pick my mind for free How did it end? She was beautiful but a gentleman never tells

They all knew ahead of time who he is...

The Seven Habits of Highly Traumatized People

When the store has corn priced at $1 a piece #MakesYouGoAaargh A buck an ear? THAT'S PIRACY, DAMMIT!

50 years ago today Sex Pistols, The Clash, Subway Sect and Siouxsie and the Banshees at the first night at the 100 Club punk festival, September 20, 1976. #punk #punks #punkrock #oldschoolpunk #100club #50years #history #punkrockhistory #otd

Someone go on a rant or something, more unhinged.

Just sneezed so hard I became a third-person narrator for a second

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i learned as a teenager that wearing oversized t-shirts doesn’t make me look any skinnier and at fifty-seven i’ve yet to act on this knowledge

www.maptap.gg September 16 92🏆 92🏆 97🔥 99🎯 98🔥 Final score: 969

Nope. Can't. Changing my name to Regina George and taking up Lacrosse.

once asked my two year old daughter "what does it all mean" and she just started dancing

What’s your sign?

Mark 🎃 The 🐾 Crew@markandthecrew.bsky.social · 2w ago

What’s your sign?

you smell like a freshly opened can of racquetballs

I saw the video of Mitch McConnell and now I’m sad again that he won’t know how disappointed we are

I wish ill on ___@monicarooney.bsky.social · last wk.

I’m kinda glad Mitch McConnell is alive because now he can see how disappointed we are

*jumps for joy* *joy just out of reach*

You have the cameltoe of a much younger woman

AI centers should be built in Botswana 'cause. bots do wanna I don't.

Tom Cruise is five years older than Troy Aikman. On the TV today Troy looks old enough to be his dad.

everyone has a midlife crisis at some point during their day