People criticise me for shouting at ducks, until they realise I’m shouting encouragement

The best thing about Christianity is knowing you’re being smited by a loving god

I love when people call me forgetful. Remind me to thank them.

I love it when people say I’m lazy. It saves me telling them

Dr: Listen to your body. Me: My body is telling me to lie down in traffic.

will i be able to figure out USBs if i haven’t figured out USA yet

Thank you all for your health suggestions (die), relationships advice (go fuck yourself), and open minded attitude to a balanced diet (eat a bag of dicks)

Never. Confide. In. Your. Wife’s. Parrot

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing, and never came back

I tried origami. Very papery.

Have you guys tried knitting? It tastes horrible

Many of you have been in touch asking if there are instrumental versions of my skeets

Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around

Does anyone know what other people are for?

How do people know their dogs' names? I can't understand a word mine is saying

Life is like a box of chocolates: it doesn’t last long if you’re fat

My skeets use many of the same letters as successful skeets

Me: I leave the seat up to remind the maid to clean its underside too. Wife: WE HAVE NO MAID!

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

People talk a lot about the causes of declining birth rates, but it's really simple. People used to need enough kids to put on a touring Shakespeare production - maybe six, even eight. But with the rising popularity of Samuel Beckett? Two is sufficient.

The older I get the more I understand why cats just walk away mid conversation.

oh you “got my ass” huh? enjoy the constant shitting and farting

I wanna call someone babe & they call me something other than the cops are on their way.

[public enemy hype voice] bring the cheese

im going into denial, anyone need anything?

I'm a workaholic. Can't get enough of that sweet, sweet workahol.

What the heck? Asking for a friend

Be very careful what you ask of the universe. It's response may very well be high blood pressure.

LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!! *puts on pajamas

*You're* sick of my bullshit? Imagine how *I* feel