From the #quote book today: "Sometimes I am a lot and sometimes I am just barely." - @chabbyd.bsky.social

I tried to poop but nothing happened. -a memoir

It’s just me and these Cheez-Its against the world

I haven’t answered my phone in like 6 years and the fact people still try to call me says a lot about human resilience.

The part of my brain that doesn’t want me to be anywhere says hi

ever meet someone and know they've never sung in their car

Good feelings are just as overwhelming and anxiety inducing as bad ones

Imagine being terrible at something you're obsessed with (this is about men and sex)

I'm an addiction specialist but I absolutely support recreational drug use. Get some.

I dreamt a few of you were planning to meet up and you invited my sister instead of me. Hurt my feelings. She doesn’t even go here

I think I scared my only reply guy away. Now what

Hamburger Help her get access to a safe, healthy abortion.

I WILL DRESS A SALAD IN A THREE PIECE SUIT, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

Hamburger Help her establish an alibi.

the trash compactor in this garbage truck looks like it gives really good hugs

Not speaking ill of the dead is so dumb. I honestly can't think of a better time to speak ill of anyone, ever.

I thought I was going to eat a chicken pot pie, but it actually seems to be full of lava and I’m in danger

Nissan Assfinder

To clear up any recent confusion: I wasn’t flirting with you, I’m just awkward. I didn’t realize you were joking in my comments and replied weird because I’m awkward. I wasn’t subskeeting you, I was saying I’m awkward.

creamin’your jorts doesn’t have the same ring

Started the Diablo 4 diet last night where I don’t eat at all because I’m playing video games.

There are days that I find it necessary to eat two cookies for lunch. Today is one of those days.

Say what you want about Stephen Miller, but he can really get behind pregnant women.

I am diagnosed with OCD but I don’t mind when people say that the minor tics they have are “OCD” because I also say that about my minor tics.

Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Binge watch a comfort show and disassociate.

It’s strange to be self aware of the fact that self awareness may eventually kill me. I’m gonna get some ice cream.

Trying to refer clients out to therapists who are *also* losing their fucking minds is tricky business guys.

You ever make it to the crossroads in your life after keeping your head down, and doing the 'right thing', and discover that everything you worked for wasn't meant for you at all?

We need 1000 reboots of ridiculous shows such as Jackass in which bros are doing stupid stunts and pranks instead of being toxic to women and other humans

I haven’t lost my mind, I very intentionally set it down somewhere I knew I would forget it.