I’ve had my phone for so long, we’re starting to resemble each other. We both barely work, are bad at making calls, and mainly exist at 1%.

You know, it might be tough to get regular, hot showers, in a post-apocalyptic hellscape.

A lot of people think I name drop just to sound cool. But that’s not true, just ask Keanu Reeves or Sandra Bullock.

What a time to be a semi-sentient meat sack hurling through space.

It was a bad idea leaving me to my own devices. What am I supposed to do with all these devices??

If you accrue enough McDonald’s points you get a Zoom call from Ronald.

Sometimes you spin the lazy susan and it comes up olives

Ghosts at play.

First date idea: we psych ourselves up in the parking lot of the British Museum listening to One Piece At A Time by Johnny Cash, then bribe a janitor to pull the fire alarm while we steal a small artifact and return it to the embassy of the country it was stolen from. Then we split some fish & chips

Lady making a serious video and one of the comments was “I think you have enough rings.”

As soon as someone says "there's an art to it" I go "too rich for my blood" and just throw my cards at a blank canvas. Really I'm bluffing because winning nude poker figure drawing is against my curriculum

Going to get my boobs squished between two plates. No, not for a doctor's appointment, just for fun.

napkin pants: the pants with built-in napkins

me: may i have a painkiller flight attendant: sorry but to open our medicine box we need a doctor me: i mean... flight attendant: yes? me: never mind

we all have that one homie who should be in bed at 3:40am but accidentally ended up posting instead

not enough women are nailing their lovers still beating heart under the floorboards and it shows

There were swingers there, but “party” puts it strongly.

Getting roasted by your kids is called getting youthanized

Starting to suspect that, in a past life, I may have been a real dillhole

I may never go viral but it doesn't seem unlikely that I'll contract rabies at some point.

Yes , I am a bad person, next question.

When you cut a perfectly ripe avocado every time, you’ll know you’ve levelled up.

I hate applying sunscreen but I like smelling like sunscreen, a conundrum

Vote for me and I’ll post butthole if i win. shitsky38.com

If you look closely you can spot little tears and open seams in the fabric of space-time where you can toss an old banana peel or unpaid bill.

Some 90% of reported paranormal activity in New England can be traced back to questionable 1920s plumbing codes

So you've been in slow motion the whole time, big deal. You probably looked really cool with the block rockin entrance beats playing. You can fast forward through me outside, my mom calling, there's wolves,

My life started going downhill as soon as I was in charge of myself

Batman gotta have a Batnanna