I’m glad I go to the same Bluesky as all of you guys.

I long for the simpler times like when that asshole merely suggested we all ingest bleach

If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

I may not be the best thing happening to you, but I can definitely the most ridiculous

when it comes to marriage, I find the catch and release method the most humane

I don’t mean to brag, but, my Face ID doesn’t recognize me without a $5 foot-long in my mouth

When you get to the end of the hallway and find an enormous pile of hotdogs

I miss his face not looking at it drawing a dick on it

I lost a decade somewhere. I don't want it back. I'm just curious as to where it went.

Pavlov’s dog had soft fur because of all the conditioning.

told the dog that the thunder is just god playing with his kong

tickling me is a good way to ensure you’ll never see me again

it’s so fucking hot I took off my shirt in the back yard and now I’m dating three of my neighbors

hating the same people is a love language

maybe it IS the wrath of God you don't know

if you plan to be high most of the day remove your bra now and thank me later

It's not eye contact if your eyes aren't physically touching each other

I wish I could focus with even half the concentration of my dog determining where to poop

I don't know, a sleeper cell sounds kind of relaxing.

If you’re looking for something insightful from me…don’t.

you can’t scare me I own a 10X magnifying mirror

Will we all be funnier at this hour when we’re on permanent daylight saving time

Sunny market days make me want to day drink.

I don’t like waking up before the sun I don’t like waking up after sunrise either I don’t like waking up

Being a trad wife doesn't sound too bad except for the having a husband part.

Your bad idea or mine?

now that the days are getting visibly shorter I’ll have more time to devote to insomnia

Ok, okay. Interesting. And are these people that 'find you funny' in the room with us now?