Buddhism in the wild (photo by Jerry Feldman, Target Honolulu)

For those of you who don't think my new death metal song "Soap In My Wiener Hole" brings it hard enough has obviously never had soap in their weiner hole

My cats are always trying to get on my plate and snatch my food but they never let me have even ONE bite of their piece of cardboard

that’s not very right about now of you, funk soul brother

i feel ya , slime mold 😬

Tip for people new to polyamory: Try to spec your partners into different roles. You'll need at least one tank partner, one healer partner, and two DPS partners.

I’d like to thank the BBC for trusting me to take over as showrunner of Doctor Who. I’ve got some big changes planned which I’m sure fans will love! For starters, instead of an alien from space, Doctor Who will now be a private investigator in Southern California who drives a Pontiac Firebird

I would never do "ass play." That sounds frivolous and I am an adult. If I'm doing anything it's ass work

WIFE: I told you to call a plumber. ME: I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.

yeah im a top trespassing on private property

hope you brought urine!

Heard someone say “are you normal or are you progressive” and was about to be like wtf until I remembered I’m shopping for glasses

If I were an action hero, this is what I’d say to the bad guy before the kill shot.

I haven't been around lately I've started a new job that Iove, being more social, and writing. Social media seems like an afterthought these days Really, I only pop on here once or twice a week to see if Orangetissimo is dead yet Anyway, sorry this wasn't weird or funny... Penis Did I fix it?

me: *unable to accept that im seeing a clown emerge from the sewer* stephen king: just lean into It me: what

The toughest part about making maple syrup is figuring out what fucked-up shit will get the trees turned on enough to ejaculate.

[very TV spokesperson voice:] Neurodivergent and unreliable? Try Intention Pants™ They won't guarantee you get there on time — or at all — but they won't make your skin feel weird.

Unfair that monk robes are cooler than nun robes, they should get to choose which outfit they like best when they get in there. Also unfair that you have to believe in a specific god to join a friendly communal gardening cult, they should get to choose which one they like best when they get in there

I’m always slightly disappointed when I see “Best Boy” in film and TV credits and there isn’t just a massive picture of a dog.

of course i like to push the envelope . i work at staples, you idiot you stupid fucking idiot

An autistic dj who only plays their favorite song on repeat until the club closes down (TANK!, from Cowboy Bebop's opening credits)

Rudy Giuliani has arrived at the Met Gala. He is dragging an IV drip behind him and oozing from at least one hole. He appears disoriented

Breaking: The United States to send ground troops into Iran to find and remove its secret stockpile of ballrooms.

It’s both taco Tuesday and Cinco de Mayo, is it a singularity

My 87 year old father: son. Son! Look! Am I skubb now? Me, not looking up from my phone: yeah dad. Cool.

you don't need to restrict yourself to singing "thank you for being a friend." you can sing the Golden Girls theme in many situations. "Thank you for feeding the cats." "Thank you for checking the mail." "Thank you for making me come." et cetera

Paradise by the Dashboard Light is my favorite song about eating a block of cheese alone in your car.

Types of tables, in order of preference: 1. Turntable 2. Table of Contents 3. Coffee Table 4. Table Tennis 5. Periodic Table 6. Multiplication Tables 7. Kiddie Table 8. Uncomfortable