My kid just asked what happens if you wear white to a funeral and I told her then you die too
Fucked that there are a million songs about love but only one about baking me a cake as fast as you can
Getting struck by lighting probably isn’t even that bad unless you don’t die
Walked into the bathroom and Johnny Cash's "Amazing Grace" is playing and now I'm crying and pissing
I don’t mind spiders I just don’t want them in my house doing that in front of my kids
You, 6ft tall, full head of hair: i cant get into these crevices im too big and they snag my hair. Me, 5'6 and bald, emerging from a crevice: yeah I wouldn't know, man
Got kicked out of the liberry again cuz a couple people complained about my therapy goose Insane Willie.
most shockingly of all, the alien craft was reportedly adorned with a sort of bumper sticker that said "Earth Hoes Cant Fuck"
Bert and Ernie should have their own show. I don't want to have to watch Sesame Street to see what they're up to. I'm not 5
*Eying my uncle's new toilet jealously* yeah its nice and everything, just hope its not too much bowl for ya, is all
Imagine your mom saying the best five minutes of her life was Eminem’s 2000 VMA performance, now you know how my kids feel
Bad news everyone, people are going to keep trying to kill me unless you build me a ballroom
i’m listening to fugazi and eating a bowl of cereal - i can’t believe i’ve never done this before!
Wiser words have never rang truer...
gg@ggallin.bsky.social · 6mo agoeverything will kill you, my friend, might as well get a mcRib
I don't understand the problem people have with candy cigarettes. They were a great way to practice before I started smoking.
I made this for my friend who is having a routine colonoscopy tomorrow
Standing in the yard with my mouth open and drinking 2L of rainwater right from the sky. Took about 1hr 45min
I'm not sure which planet he's talking about but it's not Earth.
Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com · 6mo agoTrump: "Global warming -- we're actually cooling as a planet"
scattered reports say that musician pharrell, remember him folks, is smuggling food to the USS Tripoli, in his big hat. believe it or not!
I found the transition from Twitter very easy bc i never read anyone’s tweets there and i don’t here either
Always a good day to tell yourself, and believe it, that an American life is no more valuable than a life anywhere else.