if you don't stay vigilant there will be a Spirit Halloween store up your ass by September 8th

already spilled tea all over my shirt today, might as well get a burrito for lunch knowing it cannot harm me in a way that matters

not a wrestling guy but i think you have to admit the WWE was right to put hell in a cell

I stopped drinking alcohol to save my liver for Advil

I remember running through the wet grass falling a step behind both of us never tiring so I kicked your ankle and the bear got to you first

my love language is out-grandiose’ing your work-friend’s boyfriend’s grandiose gestures

I know I parked like an asshole, but I didn’t want to disturb the parking lot pigeon.

I started kickboxing because prison doesn’t serve my brand of coffee.

No, I would describe her bitch face as very active. I doubt it ever rests.

spooning but it’s just us skimming the juices off our stew because we’re like 80 yrs old

Morse code is great for when you wanna chat with someone and develop carpal tunnel syndrome

*practicing non-condescendence you know what babe you’re right you’ve really made me rethink everything i’ve ever thought about everything

87.3% of a parents job is finding food in places around the house where food simply should not be

You know when I'm happy because I start wagging my willy like a dogs tail

That's right and do you know who else can see you when you're masturbating?

*throws you onto the bed* *tears off your pants* *lifts your hips by your ankles* *puts a thick layer of lipstick the whole way around your butthole*

sometimes I wonder if I’m wasting my life but then I open bsky and know that I am

(Dumping a big box of googly eyes onto the pizza before shoving it into the oven) My grandmother brought this recipe over from the old country

why are you even worrying about money babe i bet on kalshi that haters gon hate we good

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

Getting a tear drop tattoo on my dick because I've murdered some pussy.

*flipping through a calendar* no no no this will never do we need more weekends

I don't want a charcuterie board. I want to stand in my kitchen at 10 p.m. & squirt Easy Cheese straight onto my tongue like I'm impersonating a Ritz cracker with bills. Some people have self-respect. I have canned cheese.

[during sex] *elbow hits remote turning tv on to last watched zendaya feature “babe i can explain”

I will hurt less tomorrow.

Tonight is an order dinner kinda night. I wonder who delivers an IV of straight gravy.

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.

Someone at work just seriously said wildfires are worse now "because they're getting rid of all the goats and sheep that used to eat it" I'm fucking dumbstruck, but torn between arguing and just fantasising about fire-eating goats

Como say d say please leggo my eggo en espanol?

It should be acceptable for me to be lazy and useless to society if that’s what my heart desires