Me: Meditation is like a laxative for the brain. Meditation group leader: *pinches bridge of nose* Just be quiet and breathe. Me: You seem stressed.

Murder board, except I'm trying to organize my life and I've run out of red yarn.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

I really enjoyed your zen post. Perhaps you can hear the sound of my vigorous one-handed clapping?

[yoga class] *hiding my lightsaber* misinformed I was

Me: Meditation is like a laxative for the brain. Meditation group leader: *pinches bridge of nose* Just be quiet and breathe. Me: You seem stressed.

not to brag but my new gyno said everything looks good down there ;)

Apocalypse story and the world is ok but there's just a last human being left on the internet. I've been hoarding a fine google of "to squander" in case it's me

I earned the cork on my fork

𝘊𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘞𝘩𝘪𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳 is my favorite song about accidentally causing an avalanche.

Once you earn a white boy’s trust you may feed him popcorn shrimp right out of your hand

Every Dem consultant preaching "let the GOP destroy itself and just sit back and watch" should be dropped into an active volcano (but not televised).

wandered off from my tour group at the Vatican, took forever for them to find me bc my friends told the cops I was lost at See

Vote like it will kill them when they lose

i’m guessing most canadians will spend their thanksgiving being grateful that they’re not americans

"you should see the other guy!" I say, not as someone who gets into fights, just as an enthusiastic fan of different guys.

A Vietnamese/Italian fusion restaurant called Phogetaboutit

this is your brain this is your b ᴙ ａٱ n σ ภ ∂ ɼ u ƃ ร

they made a robot that can actually dance like a human I don't know how it twerks

This day in history. 1492. The Spanish crew of the Santa Maria mutinied and told Christopher Columbus to turn the ship around and return to Spain. He was Italian and didn't know what they were talking about and just kept repeating "Non parlo spagnolo" until two days later they spotted the Bahamas.

*meditates to clear mind* *mind immediately fills with generalized dread, skeet ideas, shopping list, embarrassing memories*

meditation instructor: quiet your mind me: minds don’t make any noise meditation instructor: shut the fuck up Mike

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, "You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it."

What do you call it when Michael Cera is complaining? A Cera-moany.

Ils étaient mi-cerf mi-escargot, et re mi-cerf derrière

Oh, “it’s all good“? Then my work here is not yet done. It’s not over until I’ve made it weird. 

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom? Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Me: So tired. Brain: Hey, ever notice that when physicists show an illustration of how a massive star curves space time it's like when you sit on the couch and everything rolls towards you? Me: Brain: Just saying...you have mass.

This day in history. 2000. On the 60th anniversary of his birth the John Lennon Museum opened in Japan. It closed 10 years later because Yoko Ono felt that Lennon's spirit should stay in motion. "Look there it is now she said," pointing at a Mister Softee ice cream truck.