I’m sorry for speeding officer. It was that crazy jazz music made me do it

Woman on a bus (reading from an article): Have you ever discussed your fantasies with your partner? Her friend: Like the one where I’m in a cottage by the sea completely on my own with a book and a cup of tea?

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

only the smartest 1% of intellectual nerds will get this: 80085

One time back in 2007 I told a waiter that I found their peanut sauce very sataysfying and I've been banned from every restaurant in my town ever since

You can be anything you want to be, so be annoying.

Before the internet we had to shout at books

Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime

well, reality, maybe if you were a little nicer, everyone wouldn't be avoiding you.

i haven’t paid my bills or run any errands this week because i’ve been absorbed by this new video game i’ve been playing nonstop for the last five days called payin’ bills and runnin’ errands. you have to make sure you pay your bills and run errands on time or you lose.

Sew me resilience from the soul of a tree. I still wear the flesh’s frailty.

Just snorted a huge line of birdseed in case anyone’s looking for their birdseed

The paperboy made fun of my James Garner body pillow again

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

Too tired to make dinner, so I made a ice cold fruit salad that required a delicate blend of fresh lime, quinine and juniper berries. (if you catch my drift)

your doomsday scenario or mine

there better be a special place in hell for mosquitoes that bite through our clothes

I’m not here. *wall hugs her way to her Bluesky cubbie & grabs her AirPods* I’m not here. *exits out the back*

This day in history. 529. Feast day of Sithney, patron saint of mad dogs and the National Rifle Association.

I never believed in hypnosis until the day I spent 6 hours semi-consciously scrolling in a kitten/puppy pic account.

Stop calling me an amateur. I've been doing this for decades. I'm incompetent.

[baby court] ME: I’d like to remind the defendant that I still have his nose

Why is it called a sausage fest when penal colony is right there?

My elderly mother is still warning me to beware of "internet hobbits" & also "all of that really creepy A-One stuff," and I corrected her the first few times on how to say it, but then I stopped when I realized I enjoy her and her way of putting things more.

Life is short, eat the snacks. Tummy aches pass but a fat ass is forever.

Phone Person: I really need that tomorrow morning, first thing. Tonight would be better. Or FIRST THING. Me: *Godfather voice* You come into my house on the day I just took my mother on a 7-hour trip to her cardiologist, and you ask me to do more work -- for money. Person: *pause* Well. Um. Yeah?

Drunk texts are the foundation of flattery

Dear Mom, The other cowboys keep making fun of me for only eating the M&Ms out of the trail mix. Life sure is hard out here on the range. Love, Your littlest cowboy

idk why, but defining the word ‘florid’ makes me blush 😳

Verdant Green forest Where I lay on fallen leaves In sun dappled light ✨