Singing “Happy Birthday” to A Horse with No Name and watching the realization on everyone’s faces as we get closer to the end of of the song

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

When you’re a kid you think “when I grow up I can eat pancakes whenever I want” but you don’t realize adults want to eat pancakes all the time, and they must, and good pancakes require sacrifice, and sacrifices require patience and a steady hand and a lifetime walking the spatula’s treacherous edge

when my grandmother cooked elaborate meals for her dogs we chalked it up to undiagnosed mental illness but if she'd lived another decade she'd be killing it on tiktok rn

hello darkness my old friend, dehydration and orthostatic hypotension strike again

The older I get the more I understand why cats just walk away mid conversation.

printing out your skeets and crumpling them into a ball for a three-pointer.

Me: Hello exclamation point Coworker: Um… hi? Me: Gorgeous day isn’t it question mark Coworker: Dude, why are you talking to me like you’re dictating a text? Me: Heart emoji eggplant emoji You really get me exclamation point. Coworker: Bruh you’re whacked. Me: tearful emoji middle finger emoji

Well, you have suffered enough And warred with yourself It's time that you won Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice, you had a choice You've made it now youtube.com/watch?v=w8DB...

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly (Live)

YouTube video by FaceCulture

youtube.com

yearning for the days when "yeah, I don't know either" was the end of a conversation

i know my rates for our 45 minute psychotherapy sessions seem a tad steep, but as your dog therapist, i’m compelled to multiply $250 by seven

Guys who say “females” make guys who say “broads” seem dateable

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

when you saw one set of footprints, it was post-singularity and nature and technology had blended into one self-running ecosystem

Ball?

GIVE THE MAN A FISH AND MAKE HIM GO AWAY ALREADY I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

brb throwing every electronic device i have into the goddamn sea

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

In honor of what would be my mom's 94th birthday, I'm sharing my first Twitter joke that I recall getting any attention. "I gave my mom my old iPad or, as she calls it, the Suduko Machine." RIP you crazy, crazy lady. You raised all seven of us without a single one being stolen by a Dingo. A+++

what don't we want? change! when don't we want it? always!

🎶 two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce diarrhea, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun🎶

maybe tonight i could sleep and not injure myself you know as a treat

Bluesky is adult day care...act accordingly.

Stop settling for reply guy energy when you could have viral shit poster energy 🤌🏼

I bet the inventor of the microwave was like "no. Sadder."

Dear Mom, The other cowboys keep making fun of me for only eating the M&Ms out of the trail mix. Life sure is hard out here on the range. Love, Your littlest cowboy

can i get a drone to replace the smoke alarm batteries from my 12 foot ceilings? is anyone looking into this?

A piece from my latest exhibit* that I am calling "Blissed Out Boi with Blep (2026)" 📸 *my exhibit is just pictures of pierro on my phone

filling my weekly pill organizer with Wild Horses