I asked them to make me an angel food cake.

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

I bet the inventor of the microwave was like "no. Sadder."

who called it getting neutered when scrotal oblivion was right there

If you see this, quote the energy you bring to Bluesky

Fall

Alt: Possum falling over.

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Gary Muppet@garymuppet.bsky.social · 2d ago

If you see this, quote the energy you bring to BlueSky

Kraft Shrimp Shells 'N' Cheez™️

HULK HAVE TIME OF LIFE. NEVER FELT WAY BEFORE.

There's nothing quite so clear as the disappointment of a cat turning away from a full food bowl that simply failed to deliver on expectations.

[inside of a Trojan horse]: ugh is someone reheating fish in here

My dog gazes at my sandwich I say “should’ve tried evolution” I laugh cuz he can’t understand me He shits and I clean it up

if self deprecating was a sport i’d really suck at it

Film you've watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Star Trek, Star Wars. LOTR, Marvel, Disney, or Ghibli.

Listen Listen Up

Alt: Ash with his shotgun addressing the primitive screwheads.

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Jim@jimstewart.bsky.social · 7d ago

Film you've watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Star Trek, Star Wars, LOTR, Marvel, Disney, or Ghibli.

Lyrical age verification: 🎶Midnight with the stars and you Midnight and a rendezvous🎶

TwoSense@twosense.bsky.social · 7d ago

Lyrical age verification: 🎶straight up now tell me🎶

I tried to quit candy cigarettes by taking candy chantix but it gave me suicidal candy ideation

Do you mind if I ask why you don’t have a nose? - It was a kitchen accident Okay, but how… - My mom accidentally had sex with her first cousin against the dishwasher

Interviewer: list five words that describe your character Me: I'll just write indecisive. Wait!

Jim@jimstewart.bsky.social · last wk.

Interviewer: list five words that describe your character Me: are you fucking kidding me

Despite what you might have heard, Paul Bunyan doesn’t just eat a thousand flapjacks for his breakfast or cut down a dozen trees in a single chop. He also lays back and gets sucked off by tornadoes to completion

Monday is just around the corner!😱 Use a vid, GIF, or pic to reveal how you feel about that

Malory Archer Censored Beep

Alt: Malory Archer Censored Beep

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geist@prettyvulgar.bsky.social · last wk.

Monday is just around the corner! 😱 Use a vid, GIF, or pic to reveal how you feel about that 🩷

Me examining a new follower

Lucille Ball's Iconic Expressions

ALT: Lucille Ball's Iconic Expressions

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Kat Alderson 🙃@klaybourne.bsky.social · last wk.

me examining a new follower

All candy should be like Sour Patch Kids. They let you know it’s time to stop when you taste blood.

There's a pretty serious weather system forming between the one air-conditioned room and the rest of the house.

FIRST CAVEMAN: *gets bit by a radioactive cave*

Me: It's medicinal. Cop: Ok, first of all, it's a rocket launcher.

I'm taking the elevator at Whole Foods. Will I ever see my loved ones again?

Cancer: Stop punishing yourself for things you can’t control. Punish yourself for being a bad person.

My skeeting strategy

Sean Wsf Gets Stuck on Rotating Tire

Alt: Sean Wsf Gets Stuck on Rotating Tire

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It's-a me, the charcoal briquet that used to be a human being before I made the mistake of going outside during the heat of the day-o.

Wile E. Coyote, despaired, takes a bucket of paint and a brush and paints a beautiful two-bedroom house on a mountainside. He paints a beautiful coyote wife in the window, and two adorable coyote kids running around in the yard. He tries to enter this new coyote life, but it is inaccessible to him

Forgot to post a #FakeBookTitleFriday yesterday but here's one from the archives, in honor of a very popular movie that's out!