Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

When I was 13 we had to find our porno magazines in garbage cans. We didn't have any fancy world wide webs.

They should remake To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, but with the main actors impersonating the Three Stooges.

I’ve yet to talk to anyone in this ball pit with a coherent world view.

The two wolves inside me are sixty nining.

nooo don't make me do disgusting things for your own pleasure and amusement I would hate that so much nooo🥺

ok i love life again, it's very precious and not a tedious pointless pile of shit. i am excited for the future, which is real and exists. i love people, especially the ones who infect every facet of our existence with their eternal presence and who should NOT be publicly executed! live laugh love

Big Pussy is dead? You mean like it's not popular anymore? I don't think women have any control over that anyway. Oh, the actor.

If I could choose a different last name, it would be Funk.

People on YouTube are always talking about going down rabbit holes. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't fit down one.

ask your doctor if daily ritual bloodletting is right for you

Getting my nails done because my fingers deserve to look good around a big hot dog.

Colon cleansing has no health benefits, but it sure does smell better.

Being known as "The guy who always carries a knife." in High school, isn't as cool as it sounds.

me: the simpsons have four fingers on each hand so you’d think they’d live in a base 8 society but as far as I can tell there’s no evidence of that in the show my wife: *screaming during labor* the obgyn: hold on i want to hear more about this

the CB radio stays ON during sex

One of the greatest letdowns is when you think you’re about to hear “Werewolves of London” but it’s actually “All Summer Long” by Kid Rock.

It should be acceptable for me to be lazy and useless to society if that’s what my heart desires

I’m sorry, but I’m gonna look at your butt. Platonically. I’ll also probably look at your elbow and your ears at some point, too.

I'm stuck somewhere between the future looks bright & life has passed me by.

The greatest American was Grady Stiles, The Lobster Boy, who despite his gross deformed claw hands, still managed to be an alcoholic murderer.

Why should anyone have to choose between bacon and sausage?

I'm pretty sure the greatest American ever is probably a professional wrestler?

A balloon crash sounds gentle and delightful. How could anyone die in one?

I love that the nights are getting noticeably longer. More time to dress like La Llorona and photobomb people's trail and Ring cams

Ernest Eats The Placenta

*Pensive music

Ernest asks his doctor is Prilosec is right for him

Uncle Kermit@unclekermit.bsky.social · 5d ago

Ernest Has Full Blown AIDS

I’m too young to be this old