Finally, a toilet that emits hazardous levels of ionizing radiation!

look i know it’s weird that everyone who goes out to hunt with me goes missing but the rest of you want to keep eating right

have you taken your meds have you yelled fuck at least 10x have you made a totem to appease the elder gods

Your daily affirmation: There's nothing stopping you from being awesome, or having an invisible owl on your shoulder today.

Don’t talk to me until my pills kick in. *10 minutes later* I’M A UNICORN!!! Ok, we’re good now.

“It’s all unravelling!” Storyline

I don't have mood swings, I have genre shifts.

reminder that your all your bedsheets are potential ghosts

What if i was a rock, cool and smooth Sat in a river, where nothing else matters, Except the ebb and flow of the tide

Thinking it might be nice to give someone a greeting card that doesn't express any particular sentiment. "Indifferent regards to you on this unremarkable occasion". On the card could be a picture of a log or a toaster

and when Dora saw the breadth of her domain she wept, for there were no more worlds to explorer

New: Ghost in the Shell Velvety soft centre with crunchy coating

Wire mother, wire father, wire sister, wire brother. Wire pillow, wire pet, wire bread to break and eat. Wire earth, wire star—I'll cut myself upon your rays and love you as you are

The wire mother yearns for wire child: Sharp-souled, and neither meek nor meat and mild— Conductive, bright with heat and wire-wild, Not soft, domestic, insulated, wet. She'd love, instead, a glittering young net

Last night my neighbor saw me plunging my hand into the soil, grabbing a fistful of worms then raising them triumphantly above my head as I laughed and lightning crashed around me. Going to be difficult to explain that one.

The news story about Donald Trump being desperate for immunity for tax fraud & the news story about Donald Trump being kicked to the curb by Capital One for widespread money laundering are RELATED.

Time to implement sweeping travel restrictions on the measles, whooping cough and death diarrhoea nation, me thinks.

Sent my enemies a wooden horse full of Greeks on Amazon. Fuckers left it with neighbours.

[public enemy hype voice] bring the cheese

filling my weekly pill organizer with fortitude and grit

I like my droning low pitched humming like I like my obelisks: SINISTER.

It’s crazy that there is a guy out there, on the world stage, who is completely convinced that he can say/will a different time line, a different reality, even though he clearly can’t. I kinda applaud the depth of his self delusion.

Alien: greetings earthling Me: hey Alien: are you not amazed, stunned, and in awe of us? Me: look, I've got a lot going on rn

Apparently, on Christian album covers in the ’60s, the only thing worse than the hair was the obliviousness to the lewd double entendres.

You have a sack containing 40 marbles. 20 are blue, 15 are green, and 5 are psychologically load-bearing. The sack has a hole, and loses one marble every hour. On average, how many hours of sanity remain

FUN AND LEGAL FACT: IF YOU SEE THIS HAPPENS YOU CAN TAKE THE ROBOT HOME BECAUSE OF MARITIME SALVAGE RULES IF YOU HAVE A GUN AND NO FEAR OF GOD.

The story of your life is not yet written. There's still time to add mysterious lighthouses, vengeful witches, and blimp rides across star haunted seas.

Imagining dry ice smell to microdose 1980s disco

Heaven must be missing an Angel. Cos you’ve clearly fallen from grace.

Sleeping Beauty on Ice Yeah, sure, just sleeping.