If your dog barks at nothing in the middle of the night, don't yell at him. He’s just guarding the house against ghost mailmen, and frankly, doing a great job.

"let’s take this offline" is corporate speak for "I am about to say something that should not be documented in writing"

A guy getting coffee took one sip and said “too much milk,” and stared out the window like he just watched Rome fall.

I long for the simpler times like when that asshole merely suggested we all ingest bleach

I relate to gravel because it's just thousands of tiny, fragmented pieces trying to hold a boundary, but the second anyone walks over it, everything shifts uncomfortably.

reminder that your all your bedsheets are potential ghosts

Stop saying "log into a portal." Sounds way too cool for what's happening.

Some sad news. The Inventor of throat lozenges died last night. As per his wishes, there will be no coffin at the funeral.

[baby court] ME: I’d like to remind the defendant that I still have his nose

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

i'm so close to standing on the side of the road barefoot wearing a sandwich board that says the end is nigh, like i'm just looking for the right hat at this point

some of the most fun you can have is calmly telling an angry man "Wow, you seem really emotional right now" lmao

riding it in a way that brings honor to my family

I'm pretty laid back unless I hear a phone ring more than once

Me: *making a phone call* why won’t they answer? Me: *receiving a phone call* why are they calling!

Once again I am announcing that I do not know what is for dinner.

Language is exhausting. The fact that we have to translate our internal chaotic noise into coherent sentences just so other people can misinterpret them feels like a huge design flaw.

Scientists confirm the human body is 70% water, 30% unopened emails.

a forehead kiss isn’t enough i want him to swallow my whole head

the average american streams eight spider-man movies in their sleep each year

the sixth stage of grief: still posting on bsky

maniacal laughter for maniacal circumstances doesn't feel like the best medicine, and that's why I take Prescription Drugs™️

[showing up with melted chocolate ice cream all over my face] hey sorry I’m late traffic was so so bad

Welcome to middle age. You now have a special space between your teeth that can fit an entire meal

Him: If humans were meant to fly we’d have wings. Me: *flies off the handle*

“gender is what’s in your pants” [empties a metric ton of sand from the beach out of the waistband of my shorts] “ta-daa”

we’re individualists, with filthy mouths and bad platitudes

you can’t have good faith discussions with people who have no good faith