The number four is useless. Have a good day.

Maybe it’s the doom that’s scrolling us.

Je travaille sur un wargame qui couvrira les opérations américaines dans le détroit d’Ormuz. Le premier prototype de mon plateau de jeu :

why is it called a gun rant and not a glockenspiel

My personality is fine; make fun of my dick.

If I ever bequeath anything to anyone, I’m definitely farting on it first

I’m not fat I’m writ large.

Me: My name ends with an "a" not an "e". Him: It's just one letter. What's the big deal? Me: Sure, Boob. Him: Me: It's just one letter.

The biggest problem with Teslas is that you can’t put sugar in the gas tank.

This day in history. 553. The Second Council of Constantinople began but I can't help you if you didn't see the First Council of Constantinople.

Three is a magic number. Four can speak with the dead. Five can summon demons from the flaming pits of hell. Welcome to Sesame Street Coven.

me: please don’t judge me four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well

But have you tried listening to old italian songs about it

a Jim Gaffigan sleep paralysis demon that just talks in that high pitched voice

apparently there is a new cell phone company called Radiant Mobile who are selling Christian cell phones that claim to block out LGBTQIA+ content, perfect for pedophiles on the go

return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi

Sometimes I read something really terrible but I post it anyway.

i’m a Jr but my mom wanted to name me Obi Juan

To the man who bumped into my cart with his at the grocery store, what are we now?

Another day of “ew, I have to do things”

just made eye contact with a guy as i was pulling underwear out of my ass. it’s a shame im gonna have to kill him

The sky appears to be a shade of fuck your plans idk Concerning 🤔🧐

I acknowledge this young lady is having trouble with her love life but would it have killed her to use a few commas & full stops?

[restaurant] DATE: I’ll have the chicken. WAITER: And you, sir? ME: The steak. Aren’t you going to write our orders down? WAITER: No, I have a great memory. ME: Prove it. WAITER: The blonde you came in with last Wednesday was much hotter. DATE: Hey! ME: No, he’s right.

[road trip] DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom. ME: *pulls into rest stop* DAUGHTER: Thanks. ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes. DAUGHTER: I will. ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once. DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother. ME: Exactly.

Freshly CPR recertified. Who's ready to make out err I mean pass out?

The moon is wearing her fuck me heels tonight

*In church, scrolling your media* Priest: HE HAS RISEN! Me: Thanks padre, now the whole congregation knows I have a hardon

This day in history. 1937. In the Philippines women voted in a plebiscite to determine if they would receive the right to vote. 91 percent voted in favour, and 9 percent voted against voting and irony awareness.