Before the internet we had to shout at books

*puts phone on charger* drink your juice Shelby

Growing out my pubes

God I’m so sick of perfect, beautiful people. Glad you guys are here

Band names. Do not steal my band names. I'm on drums, if you can shut up I'll let you play bass.

I was having a good hair day so I took the pantyhose off my head while I was robbing the 7-Eleven

[baby court] ME: I’d like to remind the defendant that I still have his nose

what’s fucked up is that it’s almost midnight right now DOES THIS KID NOT SLEEP😭

The paperboy made fun of my James Garner body pillow again

I was murdered in the Champagne wine region for calling them bönches of grapes

An atm that moans when you slide your card in

I may not have hit any of the normal markers of adulthood (marriage, property, pets, children) but I have kept a comprehensive list of things I have fallen off of to date (starting with a cliff, ending with a curb), and I think that might be worth some sort of congratulations at least.

[job interview] boss: what would you do if faced with a situation where- me: give up immediately

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: okay go around the block ME: t h k e c b o l

Feeding time at the zoo…

what if everyone in america started refusing to pay taxes

Anything but keto.

Alcohol. The leading cause of people asking, "What did I do last night, and where are my pants?"

* Me at the gym Well if it isn’t the spotter calling the kettlebell black …

💀

Lube fixes just just about anything… except high insulin… That bitch goes in dry.

Me: I’m on the highway to hell Her: I love that song by AC/DC Me: What song?

I am a dom …inoes champion

My brother really struggled in jail. He screamed at everyone, threw things at the walls, and pooped on the floor. That was the last time we let him play Monopoly.

Apparently donations to the Sperm Bank are not tax deductible. I need to refile my last 28 returns.

My new car has lots of fancy technology in it. Just now I put it in reverse and it showed a video of some lady getting run over by a car.

(•_•) <) )╯ban / \ ( •_•) \( (> the / \ (•_•) <) )╯pervert glasses / \

Guardian Australia@australia.theguardian.com · 2d ago

Kmart sells out of low-cost rival to Meta camera glasses across Australia amid warnings of ‘privacy nightmare’

I got 12 needles in my calves and 2 in the glutes today. If you’re looking for a voodoo doll.