them: keep your friends close and your enemies closer me: *grip on phone tightens*
WittySassBasket
@wittysassbasket.bsky.social
That's a salad fork you stupid bitch.
Moving my recycling bin next to my mail box made this election cycle less painful
I can't take you seriously with those eyebrows
A lot of what's wrong with me would be fixed by hugging a baby giraffe
If our conversation lasts longer than 5 minutes I'm flipping my phone screen towards you with an option for 15%, 20% or 25% tip.
Humor requires intelligence, which is why idiots always take it personally.
ME: I got kicked off the jury at uncle Alan’s trial. MY MOM: It’s probably because you know him. ME: [wearing my t-rex costume] Probably.
My book is officially on sale. If you enjoy humor, short stories, or simply looking cool in a coffee shop, check out HICKSPÁNIC. Now available in paperback & ebook. (Link in profile. If you type it as Hickspanic without the á, it won’t show up, but don’t give up. Try searching for Samuel H. Lowe.)
My cat yells at me every time I sneeze and I always apologize to him
'this changes everything' - me, explaining what a universal remote does
Some days you can’t help but wonder if you’re the MySpace Tom of your friend group
You ever realize some weird shit like you’ve fucked four Erics?
Keith Sweat just played on the radio and my vasectomy reversed itself
Even if you've only done the Macarena once, you're still a carrier
[kitten about to pounce] and behold a pale horse and his name that sat on him was death
Dance like your spirit isn’t broken beyond repair.
quit acting like all of 2026 hasn't been spooky season
