“defend your culture” dude, your “culture” is clapping off beat and putting ketchup on tacos

America is the Tesla Cybertruck of countries

sorry for being so overly enthusiastic when you asked if I had any regrets

staged assassination attempts and all other forms of distraction from the Epstein files will continue until morale improves

No longer allowed to work as an obstetrician because I kept saying ‘at your cervix’

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to forget.

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone who isn’t a professional wrestler.

‘excuse me while i slip into something a little more inevitable,’ i murmur seductively as i don my diaphanous burial shroud

If *I* was launched to the moon, I would have stayed there. Stupid astronauts.

You can push a watermelon around in a stroller and no one can stop you.

For those of you who didn't get the memo, there are six female refs in this World Cup. Which is pretty fucking amazing

Every day is a nine inch nails song but never the one you want.

me: here's the thing, if i'm carrying my coffee mug, i'm not ready for chit chat but if i'm not carrying my coffee mug it's safe to assume that i'm also not ready for chit chat colleague:

me: please may i have a second helping of that brief moment in time where i experienced exhilaration life: best we can offer you is anxiety

I too, want to plump when you cook me. Is that too much to ask?

It's a crazy time to be sane.

Accidentally called my dog bro and my bro dog.

Fell off the wagon. Started eating cigarettes again.

One problem I have with every recipe is where is the step for crying

Always being the bigger person can grow tiresome. Do it anyway so you can rub it their face later.

Not high or stoned but a secret third thing

When I heard some psycho bit a flight attendant, all I could think was my mom has never flown QANTAS.

I don’t mind facing the music I like music.

People say horses have a password and if you say it they’ll speak to you.

Trying to get my house haunted because ghosts are cold and A/C is expensive.

Before you block me, I just wanted you to know that I believe in you.

Bomb pops are the superior popsicle. I will not entertain any dissent.

i know it says “file is too large” silly it’s a picture of my ass

i think if you’re going to collect husbands they should each have a unique production flaw that makes them more valuable to trade later (and for gosh sakes don’t ever take them out of the box)

for every fried bean there is an equal and opposite refried bean