puddins, out from under the bed

The pitch your electric weed whacker makes while trimming the verge works as a pedal tone all the way through the Theme From Shaft. Do with this information what you will.

The good news: I think I’ve gotten my brain damage to the point where it’s not getting any worse. The bad news: I think I’ve gotten my brain damage to the point where it’s not getting any worse.

I wish I could shazam a smell

Have you ever thought about buying a cat and naming him Frady so you can yell WHERE IS THAT FRADY CAT and laugh and laugh until you throw a clot and Frady happily dines on your corpse?

I think next year is the year I make the big leagues.

We should probably stop electing people whose brains don't work so good. 

That’s like a hundred years from now. I’ll be dead.

It was only after I learned to like myself that I took a real disliking to other people.

No matter our differences we just need to agree on some of the important things in life . . . like the fact that pizza is healthy because it contains veggies.

no thank you nudists, i prefer my nakedness to be apologetic, awkward, and fumbling about in the dark

Carrying a bucket of fried chicken and I can’t tell if this guy wants to fight me or fuck me.

I don’t think there’s enough rumors going around about me

Her: You’re not being helpful right now. Me: I think maybe the problem here is your assumption that I wanted to be helpful.

first rule of “I had a lot of potential” club is talk about how you had a lot of potential

My basketball rim is a regulation 10’ in case anyone asks you. Also, I can dunk

I'm not reading your fucking book posts. Tidy it up

Me: [making impt life decision] what should I do Wife: just listen to your gut Me: ok Gut: let’s get nachos Me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS Wife: wtf just happened

Don't stand between me and my potatoes. The last person who tried is now a cautionary tale told at dinner parties.

It’s not every day I get to say a good morning fly over to Greenland

Smother me with kisses or a pillow.

self portrait on cement , circa today

Just brought some protein powder with extra protein added for the protein

Regret is just a side effect for life.

Balancing a bagel on my head calling it my halo.

Hide! The miserable people keep getting more miserable.

A glory hole for people to shove live grenades into my mouth.

If you give a serious reply to my joke tweet I will assume you're a cop

I'm proudest of the most frowned upon choice I made today.

I’m sorry for speeding officer. It was that crazy jazz music made me do it