Wednesday that feels like a Thursday, my old nemesis, we meet again.

I was wicked productive today, which means many libations tonight.

Why can't things be funny stupid instead of scary stupid?

Do not go willy into that good nilly

told the dog that the thunder is just god playing with his kong

im really torn about police dogs because awe but also narc

Instead of a happy ending, the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

Do I trust A.I.? Buddy, I don't even trust my car's backup camera.

When I was in high school, McDonald's had a promotion 20-piece Mcnuggets for 2.99 My first thought was "They're DARING me to eat a 20-piece!"

me: I post on the internet to feel better about myself therapist: and that works? me: not really

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone who isn’t a professional wrestler.

who do we want? the funk soul brother when do we want him? right about now

New theory: us Type A's will be the most AI resistant. Those Type B's will be the early adopters.

I don't fish for compliments, I dynamite the lake and scoop up the compliments with a net.

the muppets take kharg island

I eat well, but life is too short for whole wheat pasta.

Dog Owner: "Sorry my dog barks at you on your walk to work every morning." Me: "That's ok, he's harmless." DO: " 'She' " Me, to old, obese, mostly blind beagle with the croaking bark: "My apologies, madam."

Didn't learn the word "groceries" until their late 70's. Doesn't know how to work an umbrella. Thinks Diet Coke cures cancer. Thinks asylum seekers come from mental hospitals.

[ sweeping trumpet music ]

One time I used a doorless outhouse overlooking a windswept blueberry barren in coastal Maine and I’ve been chasing that high ever since

[ first day as a pathologist ] you’re on the wrong path

Inside of you are two wolves. I told you not to swallow those wolf seeds.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

Somewhere there’s a guy whose job is deciding how angry “Medium Salsa” is allowed to be.

Even when they've got us pinned, we're laughing. youtu.be/0rvEz_o8r8I?...

Laughing

YouTube video by Nathaniel Rateliff - Topic

youtu.be

I'm constantly dissatisfied with the length of my facial hair. I grow it out and it's itchy and I get sick of it so I trim it really short, then I look in the mirror and I'm like woof, DON'T do that again, and repeat.