I would die for Princess Donut

Don't give me hope when you can give me a taco

Happy Wednesday, phone friends

Monsters

give a man a fish and he’ll selfie with it for dating sites

Telling my kid to “turn your blinker off grandpa” is my love language

Even my Winky touched grass today.

The group chat with my dad and brother has become solely a place for them to update us about their various ailments. This is old age I guess

Sorry, can’t. Basking in the air conditioning

My older coworker is showing the new gen z coworker videos of the partridge family and I hope she doesn’t quit her first week

I'm addicted to interventions, I've gone to 45 this month alone. My friends and family tried to get together with me and talk to me about it and holy shit was that great

after doing some basic research I have concluded that the world is a vampire

We just hired a new girl and it’s her first day…she’s already talking about John Mateer. This might work out

Tummy hort. Leaving it at home tomorrow

Logging On

But is he cool with your emotional support stuffed animal kingdom?

I'm aging like a fine wine. All covered in dust and being totally ignored left sitting in the basement.

Doubt I’ll ever understand people that aren’t enamored with me

[job interview] boss: what would you do if faced with a situation where- me: give up immediately

19 is displaying high levels of turning into a man. He told me about something that’s wrong with his car and then happily said it gives him an excuse to buy a jack

i don’t like any of the discourse of the day so do you guys want to hear a fun little secondhand anecdote

I didn’t have a hookup, I had a

Yes give me all the moon songs

What if we kissed at the multinational makeout conglomerate

The Onion@theonion.com · 2d ago

Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate https://theonion.com/small-towns-make-out-point-purchased-by-multinational-make-out-conglomerate/

the you in your mind vs the you in your front facing camera

+ alt-txt

Frostbitten Flamingo@flemtheparrot.bsky.social · last yr.

When you come in my house, please take off your shoes. Then put them right back on and get out.

#awesometattoo by @armslikewings

Driving past the fields of Correctionville, Iowa. This must be where they grow the reply guys