if the universe is expanding why are you always in my space?

Guy who I used to slip n slide with saw me at the grocery store and asked me how my “sabbatical” was going. Looks like it’s about time I soap up and remind these drystanders why they call me The Hagfish.

I can't believe I spent my childhood riding around on an acoustic bike.

lettuce is short for lettuce give you explosive diarrhea

just saw an ad that a local casino is giving away a 1989 camaro iroc z and i’m guessing they just went to mi and stole it outta your stepdads yard

Good looks are transitory Good syntax is forever

Standing up swaying on the bus with music in my ears and *whispers* Nobody Knows I'm Dancing

GIVE THE MAN A FISH AND MAKE HIM GO AWAY ALREADY I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

That was long story long and now I have to remember everything or you'll be offended? Lol

onf: something (or someone) that's so proportionately both on and off that it can't be either or neither

Headed to a shrimp boil already drunk. Walk carefully and keep your opinions to yourself.* *giggling is to be expected.

My social battery runs on a car battery that has been dead since I was born.

I'm stuck somewhere between the future looks bright & life has passed me by.

keep making the mistake of telling men my whole life’s purpose now is to continue to give my cats the life they’ve become accustomed to

I eat a lot of lollipops for someone who is not a seductress.

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

Who thought it best to add to the label "refrigerate after opening" rather than "stay cool?"

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

my account still has that new post smell

Cop: do you know how fast you were going? Me: cosmically, about 1,300,000 mph. Cop: have you taken any illicit substances? Me: I have only taken your mom‘s anal virginity 

Dark night of the soul patch

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

Mother Nature Sex Show

One good thing about taking a 5yo to the shop is she likes to stop and pat every dog which means I get to pat every dog

*wakes up checks if I’m an overnight success, goes back to sleep.

All older dudes in skinny jeans

At least I enjoy my own company

It’s interesting that people who will be dead get to decide to ignore climate change and ruin the world for people who will still be alive.

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.