The guy ringing up my groceries this morning asked me what a cucumber was and if it was a fruit or a vegetable and I am done helping men
What if AI is able to interpret the communication between animals and we just find out they’ve been talking shit about us.
In the mood for a second breakfast. Hobbits can’t be wrong.
Look! It’s a bedroom window. Let’s have loud combative sex under it. -neighborhood cats
Me: Yeah, I was going to go pro, but those cowards at Guinness “won’t be recognizing ‘the loudest and longest fart’ at this time.” Date: Wow, we should get married and have kids. Then divorce after I fall for the electrician. Me: Tale as old as time. This has been a great first date.
Life Alert should make the sound of Sonic losing his rings when someone falls
Why fall in love when you can fall into an active volcano?
rfk jr announces free* sauerkraut enemas for all American citizens *not actually free
"i hope this e-mail finds you" ~Waldo's inbox, probably
I'm finding out way too much for someone who fucks around so little
let’s go fight some bad guys on the top of a moving train
Caesar: And you, what have you to bring me in tribute? Me: I bring you this sauce I call a “dressing.” Caesar: And what do you do with this “dressing.” Me: I mix it with lettuce, cheese, and toasted bread cubes. I call it “Garlicky Fish Tossed Salad.” Caesar: The name needs work.
Never found a fan speed that I’ve been truly happy with
I've had it with these motherfucking fruit flies in this motherfucking drain
Beef tacos, beef sandwich, beef chili, beef pizza, beef burrito
how do we know which dogs are smart if they don’t wear little glasses
I'm suspicious of organized religion. I think it goes back to my childhood. When I watched our cult leader carve open my father’s chest and offer his still-beating heart to the gods
“Never forget.,” he says to the confused elephant.
Everyone is always like “oh Dracula is so bad, oh Dracula is so weird and horny, Dracula bit my dad” but Dracula also has times when he’s just at his house for 200 years bothering no one so maybe chill out
They won’t let me bring this mannequin into this Gin Blossoms concert even though I bought two tickets.
Travels back in time to reset the future; gets distracted by an opium den.
hey let’s take some benadryl and theorize about the lost colony of roanoke