It's time to sleep with the donuts!

No, I said welcome to my shadow not my chateau. But you can still have some wine while you're hanging out there.

you ever uhhhhhhh get the urge to perform brain surgery on thyself

Everything bagel implies the existence of nothing bagels. Antimatter bagels. Bagels of the void.

The pitch your electric weed whacker makes while trimming the verge works as a pedal tone all the way through the Theme From Shaft. Do with this information what you will.

Bee babies should be called beebee’s.

Ugh, I don’t know what my problem is right now

Giving my partner an animal that has the head of a man, the body of a lion and the tail of a scorpion because its romanticore

before carpentry, we knew Jesus from his tap dancing days

😱 #AuGhost #wet

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

I'm disappointed because I care, so may as well talk about it 😤 Link to my 5 minute short film here for a limited time: youtu.be/OnVvmfgo2yI?...

*puts my cursed bones in an oubliette*

Bring back Gwen Pepperoni

check out this Freddy Krueger ass looking rock

smoking that shit that makes you hold the flashlight steady while nobody is working on anything

I fear I’ve had my mind boggled a few too many times.

I know I parked like an asshole, but I didn’t want to disturb the parking lot pigeon.

I'm proudest of the most frowned upon choice I made today.

“A real friend would be more supportive” I whined resentfully to my imaginary friend.

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

Walking into the woods, never to return, for my mental health.

A good friend will help you with anything except having that first friend and saying "I'd like to go from zero to one with you!" only works on robots

Scattered my dad’s ashes at Home Depot

Southern Alabama University Police solved the murder of a professor because of a stolen Switch. You know who never snitched on their coconspirators?

long story short *screams*

the obsession with trans women in sports is, apart from the abject bigotry, a symptom of how we take amateur sports participation way too seriously in this country.

the horse actors on Little House are so good at acting like Prairie times horses